Grood.com

So I’ll be watching the E! network and I’ll swear I’m watching a special on transgendered individuals, when all of a sudden Ryan Seacrest comes out of nowhere to tell me, ‘That was Uma Thurman, looking as sexy as ever, and gabbin’ about her latest movie.”

“Wait, what?!?,” I’ll ask out, and right around that time one, two, or all three of my testicles will ascend up into my body. I personally have never thought of Uma Thurman as anything other than……what’s the word I’m looking for……..oh yeah, Gross. Yet, here’s Ryan Seacrest telling me otherwise.

There was a time when we could all agree on who was sexy and who was not. But it seems that over the course of the past decade or so our standards have sunk. Nowadays, any female celebrity who wears a tight dress or shows cleavage is considered sexy. And it ain’t just Uma.

That being said, I present to you the Top Ten Ugliest Hot Chicks. All of these women get repeatedly labeled beautiful or hot or sexy or whatever and to all of them I simply say “nay.”

No, I prefer to call them ugly. Or Fugly. Pugly, pug ugly, whatever.

Seacrest out.

Sarah Jessica Parker
I heard Hollywood is interested in making a new version of ‘The Wizard of Oz,’ with SJP co-starring as the Wicked Witch of the West. However, the word on the street is that execs are worried that her face would scare away children and the elderly, not to mention me.

Seriously, I don’t get her appeal. Give her a broom and make her wear a black pointy hat, and you’ve got a witch, but dress her in Dolce & Gabbana with some Jimmy Choos and you’ve got a fashion icon? I don’t know what spell she’s cast to make people think she’s beautiful, but apparently it’s got the right amount of ‘eye of newt.’ Other than women, I don’t know a lot of real men who think this lady is attractive; unless you find curly, matted hair, a long pointy nose, and a big ugly mole ‘cute.’

Kate Bosworth
I hear being in front of the camera makes you appear 15 lbs heavier, or so. According to my calculation, that makes Kate 11 lbs. Other than Jesus, she’s the only human who can walk on water. That’s how grotesquely thin she is. Honestly, I don’t know why we should even worry about starving children in Africa. They appear almost gluttonous compared to this dainty starlet. To people who say she’s ‘just thin,’ I would have to disagree. There are people who are ‘just’ thin, and then there are people who look like they’ve been ‘held prisoner in a concentration camp for 6 months’ and then there’s Kate Bosworth. Get the picture?

Look, I loved her in “Blue Crush.” Hell, the tissue paper industry saw a brief surge in sales after the DVD release, but that was four years and 50 lbs ago. I mean this chick is so skinny her tits are are inverted. Both of her eye balls make up half of her weight. Do I need to continue?

Julia Roberts
I know what some of you peons are thinking. ‘Julia is so pretty!’ ‘She’s a beautiful, elegant woman.’ Well to that I say, fuck off, you’re wrong! Putting her on this list is almost unfair. She really deserves a lifetime achievement award for being so butt-ugly, and for fooling people into thinking she’s anything but that. First of all, her mouth is as wide as my size 12 foot.

I mean, her mouth is enormous. I hear the 3000 teeth in her mouth actually get top billing in her new Broadway play; Julia is only a supporting cast member. And let’s not forget her nose. Those nostrils are so big; I just wanna go up in one of them and spelunk my way through her nasal cavity. I say this because I’m pretty sure they house a bat colony. The good news is she doesn’t do many movies anymore. She’s basically spending her time doing Broadway, and pulling couples around Central Park on carriage rides.

Kirsten Dunst
It may or may not be legal to murder someone as hideous as Kirsten Dunst. I don’t know; I’m not an attorney. What I do know is that the only reason why the paparazzi take photos of this ‘thing’ is so we can point and laugh and not feel so bad about our own shortcomings. For starters, look at her mouth. Every tooth appears to be pointed in a different direction, like a jagged cave or something. And sometimes she smiles for the camera in such a way that I literally throw up out of my ass. It’s weird.

In every picture I see of her it looks like her hair was recently used to mop up puke. And she’s shaped like a ten year old boy. Her tits (I guess?) are nothing more than excess pieces of skin located in the place where breasts should be. I just threw up in my mouth.

Uma Thurman
On paper she’s hot but in actuality, she’d be the most disappointing blind date of all time. “Oh you’ll like her. She’s tall with long blonde hair. And fit…”

Technically, it’s not fair to add Uma on this list, as I am 99% sure she’s a man. First of all, no woman is that ugly. His gigantic hands, droopy eyes, stringy hair, elephantitis of the feet, and protruding chin are dead giveaways. Uma would come right after Herman Munster in the worlds’ best looking people, no offense Herman. It was her birth that gave birth to the medical term, “ambiguous genitalia.”

Penelope Cruz
I didn’t even know this deflated version of Salma Hayek costarred in Blow until the closing credits rolled. I seriously thought Johnny Depp’s character was doing a skinny Spanish boy. Speaking of Blow, it seems every film she’s in does just that. The best thing about this girl is that you don’t see her in movies anymore. She looks more like a Chihuahua than a human, which is ironic because she’s actually from Chihuahua, Mexico. Actually, I don’t know if that’s true or not.

Teri Hatcher
They were real and they were spectacular on Seinfeld, but now they’re anything but. How much botox can one human endure? This lady is so unsightly; the tide wouldn’t take her out. She looks like a cross between Lady Elaine from the Mr. Rogers Show and a transvestite. She’d be perfect as ‘Medusa’ in the Clash of the Titans, or Dr. Frank-N-Furter in the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Somebody needs to tell her to get back to Castle Grayskull pronto.

Drew Barrymore
Barrymore is a mystery that has confounded my testicles for decades. I just don’t get it. She looks like the kind of girl who would destroy a bathroom and be proud of it. Like she’d walk out and say, “Hey guys, check out the skid marks I left in there! I threw down on that porcelain.” Her face looks remarkably like a goldfish, and I’ve never really had a thing for fish. All I can say is, you probably don’t have much going for you if you get divorced by Tom Green.

Mena Suvari
There was always something I couldn’t figure out about American Pie. All the guys gave Chris Klein’s character shit because he was attracted to a drama chick. What I couldn’t understand was why they weren’t giving him shit for liking an ugly girl. She doesn’t have a forehead; more of a five or sixhead. It’s so big, in fact, that she cannot attend any of her own movie premiers because the theater crew will often mistakenly try to project the movie off of it.

Renee Zellweger
I like women as much as the next guy who also has a 9’’ piece when flaccid, but I wouldn’t stick my penis in her if it was on fire and her vagina was the only way to extinguish it. Her face, that look she has in every single photo ever taken of her, looks like a puckered anus. It’s as if God sneezed while he was making her: “Whoops, better fix this. Ah, fuck it. It’s getting late. I got church in the morning.”

This entry was posted on Thursday, September 21st, 2006 at 1:15 am and is filed under Celebrities, Editorials, Movies, Television. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.