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Review: The (White) Rapper Show
By Doug on January 10th, 2007
You ever see something that makes you embarrassed to be white? Like you see something and you just want to scrub the whiteness off of you? I managed to catch the first episode of VH1’s The (White) Rapper Show last night. Yes, that’s the name of it. Clever, I know.
I can’t explain why exactly I watched the whole show. All I know is I had just eaten and was feeling kinda tired and the remote was like ten, no, fifteen feet away. In retrospect, I should have purged and gotten up to get the roommate or at the very least called my roommate to help me out. He was out shopping, though, so it would have been kind of ridiculous to call my roommate on his phone to grab the remote for me if he wasn’t even home.
The (White) Rapper Show delivers what it promises. It’s about, you guessed it, white rappers. More to the point, it’s kind of like American Idol but with, well, yeah. There’s ten contestants and they compete to find out who will be the next great white hope.
It’s hosted by MC Serch. Who, you ask? Exactly. You may, and I stress may, remember him when he was in a group called 3rd Bass way back in 1991 with their hit “Pop Goes the Weasel.” You may also remember him from ah, screw it. It doesn’t matter.
Oddly enough, he’s labeled on the show not as MC Serch but as MC Serch, Hip Hop Icon. Riiiiight, VH1. If MC Serch is a hip hop icon then I am a legendary comedian. If MC Serch is a hip hop icon then I am an Olympic track star. If MC Serch is a hip hop icon then I am the world’s greatest sex machine. If MC Serch is a hip hop icon…you get it, right?
I’m willing to bet the decision to have him host went something like: “The Beastie Boys are above doing this. Eminem too. Vanilla Ice was already on The Surreal Life. Snow, I think Snow is dead. Or at least I hope he is. Hmm…let’s see. Who’s next on down the totem pole?”
The rest of the cast is a Who’s Who of every dork you couldn’t stand in high school. The standouts include a nimrod named John Brown. He’s got that whole uncentered-eye thing going on. You know, where one eye is looking right at you and the other one is pointed off to the side a little, just enough for you to not take him seriously at all. And the guy sounds plum retarded when he talks. He makes Mase sound like James Earl Jones.
Then there’s Misfit Dior, a British chick who looks like Jewel if she had good teeth. Wait, What? An English chick with good teeth? Outrageous! At the opposite end of the spectrum is Persia. To give you an idea, Misfit is the hot girl you’re trying to nail at the party and just when you think she’s about to put out, Persia comes in and pulls her away because it’s getting late and she has to work in the morning. And, you know, because guys weren’t talking to her and she was getting frustrated
To prove my point, Persia brandished a dildo at one point during an altercation with John Brown. Yeah.
To her credit, Persia can actually rap. But, in case you didn’t know, she’s white. Calling a white rapper good is like calling a pedophile handsome. He may look good but he still likes to touch little kids.
There are a few more degenerates in there like some dude who looks like K Fed’s inbred cousin, and that’s saying a lot, and another dude with a unsightly harelip. I’m not one to make fun of someone just because they look a little different but, uh, I can’t think of a way to end this sentence.
The episode started with the ten being introduced to their apartment in Brooklyn, aptly named The White House. Um, yeah. As exhausting as it already is, the references to their whiteness don’t end there. Everything in the apartment is white-related. The overall décor happens to be white. The trashcan is even labeled white trash. For Christ’s sake, there’s a giant jar of Mayo in the middle of the freaking living room. Seriously. It’s kind of funny that they put parentheses around white in the title of the show and yet they’re so in-your-face about it in the episode.
I wonder what would happen if they did a show that was the opposite of this. Like if they took a bunch of black people and had them try to form a rock band. Would everything be black-related? Would the sign on the bathroom door read Colored People Only? Because that would be hilarious.
The ten were then lead through the Bronx to try to spit game to a few different groups of natives, who then reviewed them. I don’t remember exactly who they picked. And it probably doesn’t matter, either. Remember, these were natives of the Bronx. Chances are they would have said Corky from Life Goes On was a skilled emcee as long as they got their $50 and a chance to be on TV. The rappers even stopped by Grandmaster Flash’s crib in the Bronx to get his take on everything. Well, perhaps I just proved my point.
After that the whole group was each put on the spot to come up with a verse or two about their experience so far in the Bronx. Rather than represent, these assclowns all reacted like a dog does when it doesn’t understand what you are saying to it and it does that cock-headed thing like it’s trying to get water out of its ear.
Their end results for the challenge were abysmal at best. The only exception was one rapper, Dasit, who actually opted to not write or perform anything. Wait, I get it! Dasit! Like that’s it. Goddamn, that’s clever. Sorry, I meant Dasclever.
Anyways yeah, Dasit said he didn’t write anything because that’s not the way he likes to write. Sounds like sour grapes to me. He probably should have said, “No, no, no. You got me all wrong. It’s not that I couldn’t come up with something. It’s that I didn’t want to. Completely different.”
MC Serch wasn’t having any of this. He was not appreciating how Dasit was “fronting,” whatever the fark that means. Serch yelled at him, “I am not here to play!” I’m sure VH1 edited out him saying right after, “I am really here because I am past due on my child support payments and I need all the work I can get. I mean I’m down in the dumps right now…dawg.” You know, because white people who think they are black use the word dawg a lot in their daily conversation. Dasit was the first to be eliminated.
Check your local listings for the second episode to air next week. I mean seriously, because I probably won’t. You just gotta wonder what, if anything, is going through these people’s heads. There’s also an online White Rapper Show game if that’s more your thing.