Grood.com

Wow, it’s been such a long time since I’ve written anything. I’ve been very busy as of late, so I apologize. What have I been busy doing, you ask? None of your damn business! I already said I apologized, what more do you want from me? Fine, I’ll tell you what I’ve been doing; kickin’ ass and taking names, otherwise known in the business as “keeping it real.” I’ve been on a sabbatical (thank God for spell check!) from the writing game as of late. Keeping a low profile, if you will. You have to when you’re an international man of mystery, such as myself. You see, lately I’ve traveled all over this great blue marble we call Earth for my job. Well actually, it’s been more like from Tulsa to Little Rock, but it’s a reeeaaally long drive.

I actually never thought I would write again, due to having a “real” job, and having to be an “adult.” Plus, a cat lives with me now, so I’m basically a parent too. So all you single moms out there, I know exactly what you’re going through. UNITE!

Anywayz, back to why I’m here. My mom, in Tulsa, has recently purchased several decorative collars for my dog, Hailey. They’re all pretty girly, what with their pinkness and jewel encrustedness, thus when she’s out of sight, they will be properly stored in a dumpster somewhere. She bought them online from some website known as “ebay?” I don’t know, I’ve never heard of it either. Something tells me that site will probably fold in the near future.

All of the collars were purchased because of some aesthetically pleasing attribute, either because they were pink, or leather, or had some sort of gay jewels on them. And when I say “gay,” I mean “gay,” not “gay” as in “gay.” Make sense? One of the collars, however, stood out among the rest. Not because it was the cheapest, or the prettiest, or the gayest, (see above sentence for clarification) but rather because it was supposedly made by real Amish people.

Seriously, Amish. To my mom, it was as if a Martian made it. I’ve never met an Amish person before, never seen one in person either. But when I think of them, I imagine barns being raised, butter being churned, really good bowlers, and quality being achieved, not to mention honesty. Well, I hope you’re sitting down for this, because everything you’ve heard about them is bull crap. Yeah, that’s right I said bull crap. I don’t care if the censors read this; they can kiss my bottom.

I can’t actually attest to their craftsmanship, because they never delivered the damn collar! Oh, but don’t you worry; they kept the money! Tricksters and swindlers, if you ask me. Every single one of them. Seriously though, why do they need money? I thought they grew all of their own food and clothes. I don’t think their God would be happy about that. (wait, what? We share the same God? I doubt it. Well mine wouldn’t allow dog collar fraud.)

I held off writing this, in hopes that the Amish would deliver on their promise. I thought to myself, ‘hell, they’re Amish. Maybe they’re pulling a horse-drawn buggy to Tulsa from Pennsylvania or wherever they dwell. That can’t be a short trip.’ But then I realized, they have the internet. So basically they just hoodwinked my mom outta 15 or 20 dollars. Well I hope it was worth it, you filthy mennonites. Because, the secret’s out!

So Jebediah or Ezekial, or whatever you call yourself. The next time you harvest your grain, plow your field, or hitch up your buggy, you may want to look over your shoulder. And trim your beard, hippie!

On a funny side note, check out this site. It’s so steamy, it’s fogging up my glasses. www.modifiedliving.com/amishporn.htm

This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 24th, 2007 at 11:12 pm and is filed under Editorials, Only in Oklahoma. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.