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Sunday
I wake up feeling pretty worn out from all the drugs. Good news: the pain has subsided so significantly that I feel I can just take a couple Advil and be fine. Bad news: my left ear is now starting to hurt. Shit shit shit! I start putting my Faberge-egg-priced drops into my left ear. Luckily, I already have an appointment scheduled for Monday morning.

Monday
I show up for my appointment bright and early at 8:15. I’m supposed to be getting my cholesterol checked but I tell them my situation at the window. Naturally, this change raises a big hoopla in the office because getting blood taken and being seen by a doctor are two different things. Like I care. They tell me I’ll have to wait because my doctor is booked up for the next half hour, unless I want to see the first available doctor. Again, like I care. A doctor’s a doctor.

I finally get in to the exam room and the doctor comes in. I tell him how it has spread to the other ear and he takes a quick gander and confirms it. We agree that I had probably touched my infected ear and unknowingly touched the other. He prescribes me an oral antibiotic as well as a different type of ear drops than the ones I had before. Fucking great, I think to myself.

And then I completely blow it. As we’re talking about my other ear, he asks me how bad the pain is. I say something along the lines of “nothing more than some Advil can’t take care of.” I realize I’ve blown my chance at another fat Vicodin prescription right there. I didn’t need it but fuck, I might as well get it. The supermodel was on the bed with her legs spread wide open and I farted in front of her.

Next stop is the Ralph’s pharmacy. I had so much trouble with Rite Aid that I figured I’d give my Uncle Ralph a chance. I notice an Asian lady and a guy who looks like he’s cousins with Osama working the counter as I approach. Aw shit, here we go again. “How may I help you?” the Asian asks me in perfect English. Am I dreaming, I think as I hand her my prescription. I return a half hour later to pick up and pay which comes out to a grand total of …drumroll please….$9. That’s right, a nine and a period. I pay her, resisting the urge to jump over the counter and kiss her.

Tuesday and beyond
The oral antibiotic works like a charm. By Thursday, I cannot feel any sort of pain or discomfort besides the occasional pop when I open my mouth wide.

Lessons learned
1. Never put anything in your ear, ever. I had had a weird habit of digging around in my ear anytime I felt some sort of itch. I recommend that you don’t. Ever.
2. Don’t get water in your ear. Think of your ear as a mogwai. Bad things happen when it’s exposed to water.
3. Pills can be dangerous. Looking back on it, it’s probably a good thing I didn’t get that second Vicodin prescription. Then again, I still have six left from the first round so maybe they’re not that bad. Although, Brett Favre famously spent time in rehab for a Vicodin addiction. Holy shit! I’m better than Brett Favre at something!
4. Not all Asians are bad. I had thought otherwise of those people, considering my experiences with driving in LA as well as my visit to Pearl Harbor when I was 10. My Ralph’s visit, however, has caused the tide to turn in their favor.
5. The American health care system is fucked. I know, that’s a real shocker there. How I could pay $90 one day and pay $9 for a similar thing the next day is beyond me. Sadly, it’s not surprising.
6. If you’re crying and curled up in a fetal position at 4 am, go to the ER.

This entry was posted on Saturday, January 12th, 2008 at 2:19 pm and is filed under Editorials. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.