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I would like to preface this piece, if I may, with a statement. What you are about to read is not the original version I had intended to publish. In fact, the original piece was accidentally deleted by me. I was sick about it for a couple days. I had spent several days writing it, revising it, and re-reading it before I felt it was worthy to have my name on it. In many ways, “Moustache Rides etc.” was my opus. I vowed I would rewrite my masterpiece, and have tried to restore the magic I created with the original version. I sincerely hope you enjoy reading it as much I enjoyed writing it.

A final note: I am choosing to use the English spelling of “moustache” rather than the American “mustache” to promote the refinement and beauty of the lip beard. As you read it, please place your emphasis on the second syllable, as a gentleman would.

Thank you.

I read some interesting news from Hollywood. Ben Affleck has been chosen to play the part of Thomas Sullivan Magnum, IV in the big screen adaptation of Magnum P.I. Robin Williams is currently in negotiations to play Magnum’s moustache.

Magnum P.I. was a favorite program of mine for years and years. Every now and then I try to catch a rerun. I’ve often wondered why its appeal has lasted so long. I first thought it was the sports car he drove. I often dreamed of owning a Ferrari, probably because of the show. However, as time went by, the car began to look dated and my interest waned. Was it the beautiful scenery that Hawaii offered, the scantily clad women sprinkled across the sandy beaches, or even the clever writing each episode brought? Sadly, I didn’t know. Then it donned on me, and it made so much sense; moreover, common sense. It was his moustache.

The moustache is an enigma, wrapped in a riddle. It exudes machismo, and as we all know, machismo is something that cannot be taught. You can’t touch or feel machismo. It is not something you can procure; rather, it is something that is instilled within your very being, and not everyone possesses it. When done properly, a gentleman who wears the ’stache wears a badge of honor. It is a statement; a statement he makes to himself, family, friends and total strangers.

But where has it gone? This is a question that has plagued mankind for 20 years. Why has something as familiar and beloved as the moustache suddenly gone out of favor?

I am now going to write, at length, the rise and fall of the moustache in popular culture.

The Nineteenth Century gave us many things, but above all it was a hotbed of facial hair experimentation. From the “Battle ‘Stache” to the “Faceshelf,” (terms that will be defined later) the moustache was a fashion that was unlike any other. In fact, many historians believe the Civil War might not have been won if not for the brave and courageous moustaches and the otherwise insignificant men who wore them. Famous writers, soldiers, politicians, and lawmen were known for sporting them. President Grover Cleveland was a modest man with a plain, but foundational moustache. A moustache fit to run a nation. Wyatt Earp was notorious for being of the few Sheriffs of the Old West to occasionally refrain from carrying a gun, relying instead on his moustache to instill order in the community. Friedrich Nietzsche was a renowned philosopher. Did his facial hair give him the insight to write some of the most important literature of the nineteenth century? The answer is most certainly probably.

The twentieth century began no different than the nineteenth ended. Charlie Chaplin and Groucho Marx made there mark across the world as beloved mustachioed entertainers. It truly seemed that the moustache would reign supreme forever.

Alas, its time would be fleeting. One man would go on to sully its good name for decades to come. He was a painter, who during the time of the Great War, would begin to have thoughts of outrageous grandeur. He knew that in order to spread his message of abhorrence, he would have to procure something that demanded respect. Something that caused the masses to follow him, adore him, and above all, fear him. Obviously the moustache was such a device that encompassed it all. Adolf Hitler’s reign as a ruthless dictator would leave an indelible mark on the moustache. My mother always told me to never hang out with a bad crowd for fear you’ll be considered part of it. I dread the same is true for the moustache. As Hitler became more powerful and menacing, other world leaders embraced the ’stache as a symbol of authoritarian dominance.

Joseph Stalin became legendary for donning the ominous “cockroach” moustache. At the start of the World War II, Germany and the Soviet Union had made a pact to join forces, mainly because of the admiration Stalin and Hitler had for each other’s style of facial prominence. In 1941, however, Nazi Germany invaded the Soviet Republic; thereby, ending their tenuous alliance. Recently declassified Nazi documents states the reason for this was jealousy towards the Russian dictator’s thick and voluminous moustache. In Italy, it is common knowledge that Benito Mussolini was overthrown as dictator because of his inability to grow an ample ’stache. And of course, let us not forget Saddam Hussein. It is because of him that we cannot imagine a terrorist without a sinister looking mustache. (Note: I will refrain from using the gentleman’s spelling of the word, as I refuse to give a terrorist the privilege.) It seemed as if the moustache’s days were completely over.

Part two of “Moustache Rides” will continue next week

This entry was posted on Sunday, January 20th, 2008 at 1:25 pm and is filed under Editorials. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.