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By Van on January 29th, 2008

spitz When I went to the Olympics, I had every intention of shaving the mustache off, but I realized I was getting so many comments about it - and everybody was talking about it - that I decided to keep it.

-Mark Spitz, Winner of 7 Gold Medals in the 1972 Olympic Games

In the 1970’s professional sports realized the power the moustache could bring. Known by many athletes and sports writers as the “steroid that grew on the face,” the moustache would help cement the careers of some the greatest ballplayers of the day. Rollie Fingers has stated candidly that without his trademark “handlebar,” he might have never won the Cy Young and M.V.P. award in 1981. In fact, the last time a pitcher won both awards in the same year was eck Dennis Eckersley in 1992. He too had an awe-inspiring moustache.

Mr. October, Reggie Jackson, was often unfairly targeted as using a performance enhancing moustache to help him win three consecutive World Series titles with the Oakland Athletics. It is actually a misnomer that he received his nickname based off his prowess in the postseason. He, in fact, publicly stated that if you began to grow a moustache in January, you couldn’t officially call yourself a “true gentleman of the mustachioed variety” until October. Sports writers, (who in my humble opinion were not able to grow a healthy and respectable ‘stache) deemed the reasoning unsexy, and decided to come up with their own interpretation for the title.

In terms of sports, the moustache could still be used for good in the face of adversity. But as powerful as the moustache had become, oh how the mighty can fall. The sixth game of the World Series in 1993 would prove yet another setback to the already rich and illustrious career of the ‘stache. It was the bottom of the ninth inning with the Philadelphia Phillies leading the Toronto Blue Jays 6-5. Veteran closer and moustache connoisseur, Wild THing Mitch Williams, was brought on to preserve the small lead. After a walk to Rickey Henderson and a single by Paul Molitor, Joe Carter would blast a three run homer to give the Jays a win and a second consecutive World Series Crown. A page from Williams’ diary, written the night before the game, gave an ominous foreshadowing of what was to happen:

October 22nd, 1993

Big day tomorrow. Game 6 of the World Series, and I’m too excited to sleep. I’ve played pretty well so far. A funny thing happened a few minutes ago. As usual, I trim my mustache the day before every game. I accidentally nicked a part of it. It doesn’t look too bad, but it could definitely better. Oh well, what’s the worst that could happen?? LOL! Well off to sleepy land!

It just goes to show how a poorly groomed moustache can doom a man’s life forever.

Historians believe that the 1980’s was known as the “The Decade of the Moustache Renaissance.” It was during this time that Tom selleck Selleck’s moustache would make history. The most erotic facial hair in human history, it took nearly 300,000 years to create this hairy masterpiece by the careful interbreeding of Italian women and Greek men. “The Selleck” first saw exposure on ‘Magnum P.I.,’ essentially a glossy television advert for the new look. The bearer of “The Selleck”, Tom had been vigorous in his pursuit of ‘tache greatness. He had insured the whiskers to the tune of a cool million dollars ($4,000,000,000,000 in today’s money adjusted for inflation and the increase in sexiness over this period).

“The Selleck” has been banned in several Islamist countries as being too sexy for any man to possess, but this has not stopped its popularity with the women of these nations whose burqas allow them to conceal their lip-mounted face-fuzz from prying eyes.

Special care must be taken with this particular style - it can be extraordinarily dangerous for members of the public to see the moustache in all its glory. Several women have joined together in a class-action suit having all slipped off chairs after observing “The Selleck” unclad. Selleck wearers often conceal their facial hair behind special ‘tache bras to reduce the dangers whilst in public.

The moustache, afraid of being typecast as a heartthrob, wanted to branch out into more serious roles. Cast as ‘Commander Viper’ in the blockbuster hit, ‘Top Gun,’ Tom viper Skerrit’s moustache was a no-nonsense flight instructor hell bent on the rules of the sky. Not to be outdone, Anthony Edwards’ more modest moustache played the role of ‘Goose.’ Fans and critics alike were bewildered as to the obviously blatant Oscar snub to either moustache’s moving portrayals as modern American heroes. Edwards stated publically in 1987 that he would retire his moustache and subsequent hair on his head after the filming of Top Gun. His moustache can be seen on traveling loan at the Aviodrome Luftwaffe Museum in Berlin, Germany. The hair on his head is still missing.

This concludes Part Two of ‘Moustache Rides.’ In Part Three, I will unfold the latest setbacks for the moustache, and why it’s not too late to bring it back to the forefront of men’s fashion. I will also define the many genres of the ‘stache, to help you decide which one is best for you.

Stay tuned.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, January 29th, 2008 at 12:13 am and is filed under Editorials. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

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Moustache Rides, Part Two

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