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So my dog, Kaylee, has the shits. The slimy, uncontrollable, larger than normal, shits, if you will. These things are epic as… shit. They’re like the size and shape of a medium-sized turtle. It probably wasn’t a good thing she drank from the community dog bowl at the park last Thursday. Shit.

Recap: Kaylee’s her first assplosion happened Saturday morning I’m guessing around eight. There’s nothing worse than waking up still drunk but also hungover ¹ and you have to deal with a blob of poop the size of Shaq’s hand. After cleaning up the main bit of evil, I reasoned that I wasn’t going to be doing any fine detailing work on my carpet at 8 AM. “Fuck it,” I said to nobody in particular. A few more hours of sleep and I’d go rent a Rug Doctor. Those things are fantagular, by the way. I had been talking about getting one for the past six months and this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Jeez, imagine if my dog shitting all over my bedroom was not the straw that broke the camel’s back. That’d be awesome.

And then Sunday was no problem at all. She went twice and both were solid and most importantly, both were outside! I figured my problems were all over.

Monday morning around 6:30, I woke up to that smell. That same damned smell that I smelled Saturday morning. A smell that tells me my morning was going to be an interesting one. I popped up and did a quick glassesless scan of the room. Granted, I’m blind as shit but a big brown blob on white carpet is a big brown blob on white carpet. And I saw nothing. Weird. I reasoned that maybe she hadn’t actually shat but instead had just farted. The smell was actually kind of faint. That made sense to me at 6:30 in the morning.

I woke up at my usual eight in the morning and stepped into the bathroom and BAM! Stepped right in it. It seems every time I step in dog shit it’s always my entire foot that steps squarely on it. It’s never just like a corner of my foot. I’ve said it before, when i step in dog shit it’s like they’re taking imprints of my foot for the Walk of Fame. There should be a ceremony with paparazzi and a guest speaker for when is I step in dog shit.

I fed her some chicken and rice last night and now, we play the waiting game.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 20th, 2010 at 12:01 am and is filed under Whatever. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.