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When LeBron and the Cavs were knocked out of the playoffs last week, a media firestorm erupted all centered about which team LeBron would be playing for next season. That was all the talk on ESPN as well as the countless sports blogs out there, and it’s still goin going on right now. My brother sent me a sarcastic text, “In case you haven’t heard, LeBron is a free agent.” It was funny, but it also sent a subtle chill down my spine. Here’s why.

A little over two weeks ago, the Denver Broncos selected college football golden boy and possible direct descendant of Jesus Christ, Tim Tebow, in the first round of the NFL Draft. Most quote unquote experts and analysts and my heroin dealer had picked him to get taken in the later in the rounds, citing his sluggish throwing mechanics and his devastating heroin addiction. ¹

Initially, I was happy for Tebow. Even though the press had forced Tebow down our throats for the past three years and I even contemplated suicide on several occasions to escape the pain of his overexposure, I was still pleased to see him go early. And then it hit me: If Tim Tebow goes on to have a successful NFL career, we are all fucked.

One of my eleven regular sexual partners just happens to be a pretty big Denver Broncos fan. She (I’m pretty sure she’s a she) watches every single one of their games, owns a healthy amount of memorabilia and has probably contemplated getting the Broncos logo tattooed somewhere on her body. Despite her Broncos fandom, which makes absolutely no fucking sense given that she has lived in Southern California her entire life, she has no idea who or what Tim Tebow is. Not being interested in college football in any tangible way, she has miraculously dodged that bullet. A big bullet indeed.

So, for the uninformed, who exactly is Tim Tebow? Well, let’s sum it up: 2 national titles and a Heisman Trophy. Additionally, he won pretty much every award that the NCAA can give to a player as well as setting a few dozen or so records, including being the only player in NCAA history to score 20 touchdowns rushing and 20 touchdowns passing in the same season.

Big deal, right? The guy can take a ball and run with it and/or throw with it. Plenty of people can do that. Michael Vick, hello? But it wasn’t just Tebow’s on-the-field exploits that got the media’s pants all in a bunch. When not prancing around the field like a dandy, Tebow would often be spotted in far away locales such as the Philippines doing missionary work. On top of that, he claims to still be a virgin and ends almost every interview with “God bless.”

Jesus Christ, this guy’s perfect. Of course, anyone who watched a single game of college football game between the 2007 and 2009 seasons knows this. And I don’t mean a Florida Gators game where he played, I mean practically any college football game during that time. If there’s one thing the media likes, it’s a feel-good story. And if there’s another thing the media likes, it’s not having to be creative. Announcers would not STFU about Tebow’s talents and accomplishments, constantly reminding the television audience of their own inadequacies. And we got annoyed.²

To sum it up: Tim Tebow became more Ned Flanders than even Ned Flanders. And that was just in college. Imagine if his success continues in the pro game. Because then, it won’t just be the media who will have their mouths set to auto-fellate. Not in the NFL, where money talks, where someone can endorse anything. It’s already starting. Tebow’s recently been named as the coverboy of NCAA ‘11 and his NFL jersey was the top selling pro jersey for the month of April. Not bad for someone who doesn’t even have a signed NFL contract.

Long story short, you better pray to the Gods that Tim Tebow tanks in the NFL.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 18th, 2010 at 9:19 am and is filed under Sports. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.