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Two things dawned on me today while riding my bike to work: 1) I have no idea what the health care debate is about and 2) black men can pull off jean shorts.

Jean shorts. Those haven’t been cool on white people in over a decade and yet I know I can walk outside tomorrow and in ten minutes see at least three brothers¹ wearing them. Meanwhile, what happens when a white man wears jean shorts, or jorts, if you will? It ain’t pretty. It says I bought these shorts in 1996 and essentially gave up on fashion right then and there. Or they say I’m a massive, massive tool. Tim Tebow, I’m looking at you.

Anyways, here’s some news stories I found interesting

Almost two dozen dead Chinese babies washed up on the shore of a river. “Holy fucking shit!” one writer for this blog exclaimed too loudly at work.

A pic of Jesse James looking very Nazi-ish has surfaced today. I feel bad for Sandra Bullock since she was in Speed II which is hands down the greatest action movie ever. But at the same time, she married a guy fucking covered in tattoos who works on motorcycles for a living. Can she really be that surprised by any of this?

I’m serious. I was talking to someone the other day and we played a quick game of “Where the hell is Dave Chappelle?” and she brought up that he is now on ABC’s Better Off Ted. I didn’t believe this because A) I was highly certain I would have known this and B) I was high. But I had reason to believe this woman because A) she was black and would know better than I do and B) I was high.

Turns out I’m right. Maybe.

I mean I guess they look similar but not in a they-all-look-the-same kind of way, which is how that would have sounded had I said the guy was Dave Chappelle. I mean, they’re both black and they both wear hats on occasion. Turns out the other buy is Malcolm Barrett, the same guy you’ve seen in those Bud Light “Drinkability” ads. Neat!

First off, people, stop sending me stupid marijuana-related text messages. I’m familiar with the way the Gregorian calendar works. I got it.

But on a 4/20 related note, here’s a pic I took last week of the one, the only, big Snoop Dogg as we waited at an intersection together in Hollywood. He’s a tall mofo. As we waited, I had that internal debate over whether or not to say something to him. I chose not since, well, what does a white guy say to Snoop Dogg on a Friday at 8:55 AM?

In the least shocking news of the day, the ShawmWow guy, aka Vince Shlomi, likes himself some hookers. According to The Smoking Gun, the ShamWow Guy “was arrested last month on a felony battery charge following a violent confrontation with a prostitute in his South Beach hotel room.” Long story short, a hooker bit his tongue and he Chris Browned her.

His mugshot:

So, it turns out that I am in fact not the only person that is frightened by the ShamWow guy. The man haunts my dreams…

According to Deadspin.com, Jay McGwire, brother of controversial former baseball player Mark McGwire, has been busy pitching a book to publishers about how introduced the slugger to steroids and even injected Mark himself.

“Mark is a man I think most would like to forgive because his reason wasn’t nefarious - it was for survival,” Jay’s proposal says (read the rest here). “My bringing the truth to surface about Mark is out of love. I want Mark to live in truth to see the light, to come to repentance so he can live in freedom - which is the only way to live.”

First off, no shit he did steroids. We got it. Look at the pictures. Pleading the fifth in court doesn’t help you, either.

Secondly, this is directed more to my own brother, Steve:
Steve, you and I can both agree that we are probably closer than most brothers are. You and I both know we’ve been through a lot together, maybe even more so than most people do growing up. I love you. Hell, I even shed a tear while standing next to you at your wedding.

But, if I happen to become hugely successful at something I love and then you write a book that outlines how I cheated at accomplishing that success, I will fucking kill you. I’m just saying.