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Rutgers Women’s Basketball center Kia Vaughn has filed a lawsuit against fired raido host Don Imus for defamation. The lawsuit, speaking an unspecified sum, comes just one day after CBS settled with Don Imus for a reported $20 million as a result of Imus’ $120 million wrongful termination lawsuit against CBS over his termination in April of this year.

For those of you who didn’t grow up watching LA Law, defamation is casually defined as a false statement that causes injury to someone’s reputation and exposes him/her/shemale to public contempt, hatred, ridicule or condemnation. That Corbin Bernsen was dreamy back then, wasn’t he?

So what I want to know, when exactly was Ms. Vaughn exposed to this contempt, this hatred, that ridicule, or this condemnation? I doubt anyone has ever stopped her in the middle of the street and made fun of her. Sidewalk, sure, but not the middle of the street because that’s just dangerous.

But seriously, Imus should be the one suing people. It’s his reputation that has been injured. He’s the one who’s been subjected to contempt, hatred, ridicule and condemnation. I don’t know exactly who he should be suing but in this day and age, it really doesn’t matter.

The phrase he used was not that big a deal. Saying one bad word out of the thousands you say every day on the national airwaves is a pretty good track record. It’s almost as good as that time I went an entire season of baseball without striking out once (2nd grade coach pitch).

It was all taken out of context, basically. It’s easy to do. Let’s say I was describing what someone said and my exact words were, “He said, I hate niggers.” Now, if you take that out of context, what you’re left with is me saying I hate niggers. See? It’s just that easy!

His one word was such nonsense and frivolity that the video of him saying it was first posted on MediaMatters.org at 6 PM Eastern Standard Time, almost half a day later.

According to their website, “Media Matters for America is a Web-based, not-for-profit, progressive research and information center dedicated to comprehensively monitoring, analyzing, and correcting conservative misinformation in the U.S. media.” How Imus’ one bad word is considered to be conservative misinformation is beyond me. Real quick: Hey MediaMatters.org, fuck you!

You may have noticed that I have been referring to Imus’ controversial remarks as one bad word instead of three bad words. Ho is the only real bad word here. it is not exactly untrue to describe Kia Vaughn as nappy headed. She’s obviously headed or else she wouldn’t be alive, duh. Unless she’s a cockroach, because they can go days without their heads. See right there, I could have made some sort of racist joke there and compared her to a cockroach but I decided to take the high road.

And nappy is not exactly an untrue word to describe Kia Vaughn’s head. Look at that picture of her. You can’t run up and down a court for an entire game and not expect your hair to be in pristine condition

And let us not forget the one indisputable fact of this whole matter: these women are all losers. The Rutgers team only made the news because they lost in the national title game. In this world, there are winners and there are losers. The more winners we have the better off mankind will be. The world would be a lot better place if we ridiculed losers more often. And by that logic, those women deserve to be ridiculed. I’m not saying Imus should have called them nappy headed hoes, but I am saying he shouldn’t have stopped there.

Holy shit, I just realized this article had two references to Major League in it, Corbin Bernsen and Vaughn.

There are several sayings that start with “You can take the ____ out of the ____” and end with “but you can’t take the ____ out of the ____.” The blank spots are usually filled with the combinations of girl : trailer park, playa : game, gangsta : projects, or Tom Sizemore : meth. It’s kinda like the SATs. Another commonly used one is “You can take the thug out of the ghetto, but you can’t take the ghetto out of the thug.” This last one has been most commonly associated with athletes.

Ever since there were professional athletes being brought up with nothing and then signing multi-million dollar contracts, trouble has followed closely behind. Mike Tyson (rape, assault), Ray Lewis (murder, withholding evidence), Darryl Strawberry (domestic violence, drugs), Shawn Kemp (drugs, father of about 19 kids out of wedlock, original Granddaddy of them all) and Ty Cobb (beat up a one-armed fan) are all prime examples of people having no clue how to behave when they have money.

However, recently the bar has been raised… really, really high. There is one man who has done more in a two year span than any of the rest could even dream about. His credits are only rivaled by that of Al Capone and the outlaw Jesse James. That man is Adam “Pacman” Jones.

Pacman was born in Atlanta, Georgia back in 1983. His story is like that of many that have been told. Dad shot and killed when he was 10 and his mother and grandmother raised him. He focused on sports and that’s why he excelled. Blah, blah, blah. Life sucks sometimes and it’s great that he played sports to stay out of “trouble”. Oh, he also got the name “Pacman” because he drank a lot of milk. Not real sure about the correlation there, but hey, whatever.

So, like all other ESPN heartfelt stories, Pacman goes on to the University of West Virginia and pretty much kicks ass on the field. Bunch of stats, bunch of awards and accolades, you know the usual. I’m sure he probably read to some blind elementary kids for good measure. Helps with the heartfeltness.

Then, like most stud players, he skips his senior year to go to the NFL draft. Surprisingly, he is picked by Tennessee Titans at number 6. Now, if you’re not familiar with the draft and how much money a player gets, here’s a quick breakdown: You’re pretty much guaranteed to be set for life if you’re in the top 10. So, Pacman signed a five year, $30 million dollar deal. Now, if only the story ended there. Nice and happy. Great television, rags to riches story.

Fortunately, Pacman is a complete moron/thug and the story keeps on trucking. After being drafted and getting all of that money, Pacman manages to stay out of trouble for a solid 3 months. However, it’s all downhill from there. Here’s a quick list of his highlights:
1. July 13, 2005: Charged with vandalism and assault at a nightclub
2. September 5, 2005: Restrained by police after throwing a fit because
he had to wait for a valet
3. August 25, 2006: Arrested for public drunk and disorderly conduct
after spitting on a stripper who he thought had stolen his wallet
4. October 26, 2006: Spat on the face of a Tennessee State University
female student during a party at a nightclub
5. *February 19, 2007: Long story short, got in a fight with a stripper
after she took “some” money off the floor and his entourage shot a club
bouncer, twice.
6. May 7, 2007: Gets stopped by police for going 79 mph in a 55 and is
driving an unregistered car
7. June 18, 2007: Atlanta police want to talk to Pacman about his
entourage shooting at some people outside another strip club

These were just the highlights. In all, Pacman has been arrested five
times and questioned by police at least 10 times. Pretty good for just
over two years work.

*The February 19th incident needs a little extra explanation. Pacman and his well behaved friends were at a Las Vegas strip club hanging out with rapper Nelly. Yes, that Nelly. Apparently, both of them started throwing a ton of cash on the stage at one of the strippers. Then in an act known as “making it rain” they started throwing the money on themselves. The club management and the strippers thought the money that fell to the floor was fair game. Pacman and friends thought differently and beat the shit out of the strippers and bouncers. Not sure what Nelly’s status was in this. Folks were not talking about $50 bucks on the floor. No, we’re talking about $81,020. That’s right. $81,020 cash!!! The best part is that they carried it in a trash bag. Yeah, a fucking trash bag. So after they shove all the money in the trash bag they decided to shoot at some people and end up hitting 3, one of which is paralyzed.*

After all of this, the NFL decided to suspend Pacman for the entire season of 2007. However, Pacman decided to appeal. Seriously, he thought he would actually be able to put up enough of an argument to get reinstated. I would have paid good money to see that laugh fest. It would have been ten times better than watching Paris Hilton tell Larry King her favorite Bible verse. Pacman later dropped his appeal after his attorney told him he was retarded.

I’m not going to sit here and preach on my soapbox about what a saint I am. Believe me I’ve done some really fucking stupid things and I’ve been in some trouble. Luckily, I haven’t been arrested or sued in any of my dealings. But seriously. Pacman has taken the term troubled athlete to a whole new level. One mistake is tolerable. Learn from it and move on. But this guy is talking to the police on a monthly basis. It’s to the point that if any shootings take place outside of a strip club, it’s guaranteed Pacman was in the vicinity. Seriously, I know Pacman was only 11 at the time, but I’m pretty sure he could be tied in with “whoever” murdered OJ Simpson’s wife.

To analyze these events might seem mundane, but let’s take a look. Just about all of these take place in the near vicinity of a nightclub or a strip club. Most of them involve his entourage and most took place late at night. Pretty recognizable pattern there. Basically, a bunch of buddies drinking late into the night at a strip club. Done that a few times and pretty sure I didn’t pour $81 grand on the floor and shoot a bouncer. Anyone else? No, just Pacman and crew. Maybe he needs to think about getting some new fucking friends and make it a goal to get to bed by a decent time, say 3:00 a.m. If that doesn’t work, maybe he could hang out with Mike Vick. I hear he has some dogs they can play with.

Have you ever been typing something and you are looking more at the keyboard than at the screen and you look up and realize that at some point you hit the caps LOCK KEY WITHOUT REAZING IT AND HALF OF WHAT YOU WROTE IS IN CAPITAL LETTERS?

I’M BEGINNING TO THINK THAT WE REALLY DON’T NEED THE CAPS LOCK KEY ANYMORE. I’VE NEVER HAD A TIME IN MY LIFE WHERE I WAS LIKE, “GEE, I REALLY WISH WHAT I’M TYPING COULD BE IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS. IT WILL REALLY HELP GET MY POINT ACROSS. I WILL NOT LOOK LIKE A MORON.” WHAT MAKES IT WORSE IS THAT I CAN’T THINK OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD HOW TO HIGHLIGHT A SELECTION OF CAPITALIZED TEXT AND CHANGE IT all back to lower caps.

There is actually a way to do it, though it’s not as simple as hitting control + U to underline something. You can change the case of a selection by clicking on the format menu and going from there. Hey look! You can change the case of text in the format menu! Should you ever feel the need to capitalize your letters, for reasons I cannot begin to fathom, you can write it all out in normal, sane lower caps, highlight it, click Format and then Change Case.

The only time I ever used all caps was for a broadcast journalism class, which is how it’s supposed to be written. That was the one time and last time I checked, THIS AIN’T ON CNN.

If going the format route is not an option or is deemed to be too time-consuming, I’m not opposed to using the shift key for my capitalization needs. I use it to start every sentence I write. It’s right there below the caps lock key; I’m quite familiar with it. Shift works just fine. If I ever need to actually type in all caps, which I know I will not, I can easily use it. No, it’s ok. I can keep my pinky on it. After all, I’ve got nine other fully functional fingers to work with. And, honestly, I only use about six of them when I type.

I don’t know what key could go in place of the caps lock key, but I’m sure something more useful could go there. Perhaps removing the caps lock key would inspire the industry to come up with a piece of soft or hardware so significant that its legacy would be forever memorialized on the QWERTY. You would need it so much that there would be a button for it right there next to the A.

That’s another thing. If you’re not going to eliminate it, the very least you can do is move it. The caps lock key has been granted prime real estate on the keyboard, right there on the west coast of the alphabet. What lazy-eyed psycho thought of that? The least they could do it switch it with something more useful. I’ve probably needed backspace a thousand times more than I’ve needed the caps lock key. Backspace is such a pain to get to, too, because I’m forced to stretch my little pink pinky all the way across the [, ] and \ to get to it.

I have maybe hit the backspace key once on accident while typing something. It’s just too far away to do it. Hmm…I just had an idea. I’m no keyboard wizard but maybe, just maybe they could switch the backspace with the caps lock keys. I’d much rather hit backspace by accident than the caps lock key.

And while we’re on the subject, give me a call if you do happen to need a good keyboard wizard. My 2nd cousin used to play keyboards for Eric Clapton back in the day (google Dick Sims). True Story.

A brief and probably inaccurate history lesson: Facing defeat towards the closing stages of World War II, the Imperial Japanese Army resorted to a form of suicide attack where they would deliberately crash their aircraft, often laden with extra bombs and torpedoes and just enough fuel to reach their target, into Allied naval vessels and other ships. They were called kamikazes, which commonly translates to “divine wind.” The kamikaze pilots were treated as heroes and special ceremonies were held almost immediately prior to departing on their suicide mission in which the pilots were decorated and honored. According to the U.S. Air Force, approximately 2,800 Kamikaze attackers sunk 34 Navy ships, damaged 368 others, killed 4,900 sailors, and wounded over 4,800

After driving in LA for two years and some change, I’ve started to develop a theory about the origins of the Kamikaze. It was not about honor or patriotism or even a last ditch effort to defeat the Allies. No, I suppose the reason there were Kamikazes in the first place is because the Japanese were just not very good at landing their own planes.

I don’t think it makes me racist. I’m just calling it like I see it based on my own personal experience along with many of my non-Asian colleagues. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying all Asians are bad drivers. No, that would be racist. I am saying, however, that the majority of bad drivers that one encounters in LA just happen to be of Asian descent. This is not bigotry. It’s just honest, sad observation. They just don’t seem to get it (for extra emphasis, imagine me shaking my head as I type).

Come to LA for a week, you’ll see. It’s freaky.

Originally published in Square Magazine, May 2007.

I was perusing around Facebook the other day and couldn’t help but notice that my friends, as well as the numerous women I stalk, had all added a plethora of exciting new Spring Break photos. It was picture after picture of nothing but drunken bikini-clad girls, and boys with professionally-streaked spiky hair sucking in their hard-earned beer guts. They were all having the time of their life and, in all honesty, it made me want to cry.

If you’re like me, it’s been a couple of years since your college glory days and now you’re in the real world. I gotta tell you, the grind of the real world blows. And no, that was not an obscure reference to Eric Nies, who became famous for appearing on the first and only good season of MTV’s The Real World and went on to later host The Grind. Or was it?

Gone are the days of it being excusable to get drunk on a Tuesday afternoon. No longer will a two o’clock class be considered too early. Now, if you drink during the week you’re an alcoholic and if you don’t show up to work at 9 (sometimes 8; sometimes earlier!) then you’re a loser. And if it’s a combination of you not showing up to work on time because you were up all night drinking, then, man, I don’t even want to know.

Basically, you were a student your entire life until that one fateful day, usually in May, you were more or less tossed into this scary place like it was your first day of swim lessons. Just like back then, you were given a simple choice: sink or swim.

Let’s be honest, though; you don’t really have much of a choice. You have to swim. As much as it sucks to work and be responsible and whatnot, there isn’t exactly a good alternative. I see homeless people everyday and uh, I dunno, it doesn’t look like it’s that much fun.
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I wrote a feature article for Tulsa’s very own Square Magazine. Click ‘Read our new issue’ on the left side. It’s in there somewhere. I’d copy and paste it here but I’ve got a flight to catch.