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Shit on it as much as you’d like, but ranchera music’s popularity is simply staggering, especially in LA. For those of you who don’t know what ranchera music is, and God bless if you don’t, it’s basically every song you’d here at a mexican restaurant. It’s that stuff that has a lot of accordion and maybe some horns. Awful, just awful.

It’s everywhere in LA, too. I guesstimate have of the radio stations here play that shit. Literally, half. Every single pickup truck from the 70s filled to the brim with day laborers that I see, and I see a lot, is just blaring that shit.

I hate to label a type of music as shit but, well, it is. Basically, you know your music is shitty when an accordion is its primary instrument. I considered the notion that it’s a cultural difference and well, basically, it is. But, that doesn’t make it right. Ranchera music has been popular for almost a century and seemingly without much change, at least according to my Caucasian ears. It’d be like me listening to, well shit, I don’t even know what kind of music white people listened to one hundred years ago. Music tends to evolve pretty quickly, which I guess is exactly my point.

It’s April Fools Day today, and anyone who’s had the pleasure of eating In N Out Burger can appreciate this great April Fools Day prank.

We were listening to NPR but not really listening to it while we were bullshitting around like we always do, talking about nothing in particular. And then I let one slip. Well, I guess slip isn’t the best word since a slip is usually inaudible. I guess this was the exact opposite of a slip, really.

Anyways, we both burst out laughing and it got me wondering, how and why is a fart so funny and when did this happen? Think about it. I’m no Scientonomist(*), but I can logically say that human beings have been farting for most, if not all, of our existence. And I’d reckon that animals have pretty much been passing gas as long as they’ve been walking the Earth and swimming the seas. Wait, do fish fart? I googled it and it turns out that scientists don’t know for sure if fish fart. Let me repeat that: scientists don’t know for sure if fish fart!

(*) It’s a real word. Look it up.

So, we can reasonably say that animals have been farting for roughly as long as life has existed. If you’re a creationist, that’s around 6,000 years. 6,000 years to get used to farting. That’s a long time. And just so we’re clear, I am a creationist. An ardent one at that.

And if you’re into the whole fruity evolutionary tall tale, animals have been farting for roughly a billion years, give or take a few eons. The point is that we have had a long time to get used to sudden, audible, well-timed flatulence(**), and yet we are generally impervious to it’s tickling of our funny bones.

(**) Not a real word.

We’ve been farting for almost as long as we’ve been breathing and yet it still makes us laugh. A fart joke is one of the most basic unfunny jokes out there and yet a real, genuine audible fart is absolutely gangbusters. How is this possible?

I was driving down the 101 yesterday on the way to the Dodgers game and got behind a Toyota Camry with a big sticker on the back window, actually it was three stickers on the back window, that read “Wit Da Bizzniz.”

Really?!? What kind of business are you in that would allow you to have such a fancy car? I’ve been driving my Honda Accord for a few years now and I have to admit I’ve always wanted to know what it’s like to sit in the lap of luxury. I think I need to get a new job.

Ever had someone tell you about doing something and then compare its completion to finishing a marathon? It’s never like a marathon at all, is it?

“I was stuck on the highway forever. It took like half an hour to go a mile. It was awful. It was like a marathon.” Oh yeah? That’s weird, in the three marathons I’ve run I don’t recall ever sitting for two hours.

“I had to stuff envelopes for like three hours. It was like a marathon.” No, asshole, it wasn’t. Paper cuts aren’t a risk normally associated with running 26.2 miles.

“We had to load up our two bedroom into a Uhaul and drive two miles and unload it all. There were like two flight of stairs. Ugggghhhh, it was like a marathon.” Look, fuckface. What are you, a girl? When you run a marathon you can’t just take a break halfway through and order a pizza and split a six-pack.