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I gave my mom a gift certificate to a clothing store in Oklahoma and she used it buy a sailor sweater. I asked her exactly what a sailor sweater was because, well, let’s be honest, what the fuck exactly is a sailor sweater. Her response, “Picture Ernest Hemingway in a sweater.”

Wait, what?

I went to a kickass mustache party last weekend. Check out the album on my myspace profile. Things got a little rowdy.

Wow, it’s been such a long time since I’ve written anything. I’ve been very busy as of late, so I apologize. What have I been busy doing, you ask? None of your damn business! I already said I apologized, what more do you want from me? Fine, I’ll tell you what I’ve been doing; kickin’ ass and taking names, otherwise known in the business as “keeping it real.” I’ve been on a sabbatical (thank God for spell check!) from the writing game as of late. Keeping a low profile, if you will. You have to when you’re an international man of mystery, such as myself. You see, lately I’ve traveled all over this great blue marble we call Earth for my job. Well actually, it’s been more like from Tulsa to Little Rock, but it’s a reeeaaally long drive.

I actually never thought I would write again, due to having a “real” job, and having to be an “adult.” Plus, a cat lives with me now, so I’m basically a parent too. So all you single moms out there, I know exactly what you’re going through. UNITE!

Anywayz, back to why I’m here. My mom, in Tulsa, has recently purchased several decorative collars for my dog, Hailey. They’re all pretty girly, what with their pinkness and jewel encrustedness, thus when she’s out of sight, they will be properly stored in a dumpster somewhere. She bought them online from some website known as “ebay?” I don’t know, I’ve never heard of it either. Something tells me that site will probably fold in the near future.

All of the collars were purchased because of some aesthetically pleasing attribute, either because they were pink, or leather, or had some sort of gay jewels on them. And when I say “gay,” I mean “gay,” not “gay” as in “gay.” Make sense? One of the collars, however, stood out among the rest. Not because it was the cheapest, or the prettiest, or the gayest, (see above sentence for clarification) but rather because it was supposedly made by real Amish people.

Seriously, Amish. To my mom, it was as if a Martian made it. I’ve never met an Amish person before, never seen one in person either. But when I think of them, I imagine barns being raised, butter being churned, really good bowlers, and quality being achieved, not to mention honesty. Well, I hope you’re sitting down for this, because everything you’ve heard about them is bull crap. Yeah, that’s right I said bull crap. I don’t care if the censors read this; they can kiss my bottom.

I can’t actually attest to their craftsmanship, because they never delivered the damn collar! Oh, but don’t you worry; they kept the money! Tricksters and swindlers, if you ask me. Every single one of them. Seriously though, why do they need money? I thought they grew all of their own food and clothes. I don’t think their God would be happy about that. (wait, what? We share the same God? I doubt it. Well mine wouldn’t allow dog collar fraud.)

I held off writing this, in hopes that the Amish would deliver on their promise. I thought to myself, ‘hell, they’re Amish. Maybe they’re pulling a horse-drawn buggy to Tulsa from Pennsylvania or wherever they dwell. That can’t be a short trip.’ But then I realized, they have the internet. So basically they just hoodwinked my mom outta 15 or 20 dollars. Well I hope it was worth it, you filthy mennonites. Because, the secret’s out!

So Jebediah or Ezekial, or whatever you call yourself. The next time you harvest your grain, plow your field, or hitch up your buggy, you may want to look over your shoulder. And trim your beard, hippie!

On a funny side note, check out this site. It’s so steamy, it’s fogging up my glasses. www.modifiedliving.com/amishporn.htm

An oldie but a goodie from my old blog in case you never got the chance to read it.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Here’s a conversation I had with my brother, Steve, on AIM
yesterday. He’s a sanitarian for the Tulsa County Health Department. He’s basically a health inspector. Yes, just like Larry the Cable Guy.

Steve: man, I’ve got a great story to tell you.
Mom doesn’t want me to cuz you’ll put it on the blog,
but it’s a great story

Doug: oh

Steve: it’s true one too, but it’s too long and
amazing to type it out so I’ll have to tell you via
phone

Doug: ok

Doug: i’ll call you when i can

Steve: k

15 minutes later…

Steve: I’m going to give you the story

Doug: k

Steve: ok, this is totally true. One of the
epidemiologist (disease person) actually had to run
this case and she told us about it yesterday

Steve: There’s this lady in the panhandle who
tested postive for Hepatitis A, which is spread by the
fecal/oral route. Anyways, she’s pregnant and is
worried about her kid. She notices that she starts
getting these lesion/sores on her body and that’s when
she calls the epi

Steve: She tells the epi that she thinks she got
the Hep A from a pig which is hard to imagine cuz of
it’s mode of transmission and humans are the only ones
that get the disease. The epi asks why and apparently
this pregnant lady had actually been fucking this pig.
I shit you not. She was letting the pig hump her.
She’s pregnant, married to some dude and has like 6
other kids

Steve: to top things off, her vag was all torn
up by both the size of the pig’s dong and the fact
they have a screw shaped pecker, so giving birth was a
challenge since there was so much damage. The state
got involved and had to put the pig down and the kid
was ok, but his mom is a pig fucker

Doug: jesus

A Creek County jury late Thursday convicted a former judge who was accused of exposing himself by using a sexual device while he presided over court cases. The panel deliberated more than five hours before returning a guilty verdict against Donald Thompson on all four counts of indecent exposure. The jury had requested a dinner break around 6:30 p.m. and sent a note to the judge at 8:49 p.m. that a decision had been reached.

Jurors recommended one year in prison and a $10,000 fine on each count against the judge, 59, who served more than 20 years on the bench in eastern Oklahoma before his retirement in 2004. [Source]

The fact that his own attorney actually mentioned that the penis pump had no business being in a courtroom is probably enough reason to believe that some sort of wrongdoing happened. The only defense they could muster was that the penis pump was given to the judge as a gag gift. Assuming that’s true and given what his defense lawyer said, who would be like, “Hey look, someone just gave me a penis pump as a gag gift. I should take it to court with me. You know, because that’s … funny. It’s a gag. What could possibly go wrong?”

The trial of penis pump judge Donald Thompson is waiting for a decision by the Oklahoma Court of Criminal Appeals on the constitutionality of the state property law under which Thompson has been charged for alleged misuse of a state computer. Thompson’s trial was scheduled to get underway last Monday but has been mired in legal delays and is now scheduled to proceed at 1:30 p.m. Tuesday. A jury has already been empaneled.

Former Creek County Judge Thompson has been charged with masturbating on the bench. [Source]

Maybe it’s just me, but if I were a court reporter and I saw a judge’s penis just once I’d report it immediately. I sure as hell would not wait until I saw his penis “12-15″ times over the course of 18 years. Like she saw his penis and didn’t think anything of it. “Ah, he’s just being Judge Thompson.” Speaking of which, 12-15 times sounds kind of vague. She must have seen his penis so many times she lost count.