Grood.com

Like most West coast transplants, I’m heading home this weekend for Thanksgiving. It’s like I love going home but at the same time I loathe the experience. That’s mainly because I have to have the exact same conversation at least twenty times when I visit. It always starts the same way: “Hey, Doug. How are things in LA? How’s Cali?”

I get asked this all the time. I know it’s an honest question and the person asking me probably has at least some sort of genuine interest. But still, how am I really supposed to respond to that question?

It’s always something like: “Oh LA’s good, man. I’ve got a girlfriend and a job and stuff. It’s really working out. I love the weather.” At this point I may seek a high-five or a quick fist pound, depending on the vibe.

Even if my life was going really bad for me I think I would still give the same response. Because you’re generally at a bar or party or a similar social situation when this is asked and that’s probably not the best time to be talking about your shitty life and bringing the whole room down.

Screw it. Next time someone asks me how I’m doing, I’m going to respond with: “How am I doing? Well let’s see, I’ve been drinking a whole lot lately. Like the past 6 months pretty much every night, it’s a bit of a blur for me. I’ve actually got cirrhosis now. Oh, I’ve been unemployed for a couple months now, too. That kind of sucks. Actually, that really sucks. Really, I just spend a lot of time alone with a gun. I mean it’s not loaded or anything. No, it just has one bullet in it.”

At this point I would seek either a high-five or a quick fist pound, depending on the vibe.