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“Decent” char grilled hamburgers that may have been “spat in or worse” served with “extra crispy” fries. “Entertainment” provided by an “old man” making “repeated masturbatory gestures” as he chastises a “security officer.” Décor appears to have been “designed” by an “autistic schizophrenic,” the window decorated with a “ketchup handprint.” An “evil” group of “possible teenaged criminals” sat in the corner, peering at my girlfriend as though they “wanted to gang rape her.” It should you leave you wondering “why didn’t I go to the one on La Brea? It’s not as scary.”

henderson213 (8:49:56 PM): saw hancock last weekend
Runboy82 (8:50:08 PM): you’re the olny person i know who saw it.
Runboy82 (8:50:30 PM): it got horrible reviews
henderson213 (8:50:47 PM): yeah it was pretty awful
henderson213 (8:53:10 PM): i read the other day that will smith had originally turned down the role of Neo in the matrix
henderson213 (8:53:34 PM): that would have been awesome.
henderson213 (8:53:44 PM): not for will smith cuz i can’t stand him. it would have been awesome because keanu wouldn’t have been in it.
henderson213 (8:54:07 PM): i mean the matrix is an awesome movie but keanu is just awful in it.
Runboy82 (8:54:12 PM): yeah
henderson213 (8:54:54 PM): likehe is in everything else
henderson213 (8:55:37 PM): anyone could have played neo better.
henderson213 (8:55:59 PM): nick hogan’s friend could have played neo better
Runboy82 (8:56:11 PM): god

Yes, that’s the name of the band: !!!. It’s pronounced “chick chick chick.” Don’t worry, if you just tried to pronounce their name as “three exclamation points,” you’re not alone. It’s a shitty, shitty band name but one hell of a good time. Their style is truly unique, a mash-up of rock, trance & funk. You can’t help but not dance to this stuff.

!!! consists of eight members playing a multitude of instruments including guitars, bass, trumpets, saxophones, two drum sets & a horde of percussive instruments, and several vocalist. There are seven white guys and one black chick (chick chick). At least, I’m assuming it was a black chick. Looking at the photo below, it’s entirely possible that one of the members went through a physical transition almost completely opposite of what Michael Jackson went through. I’d like to believe that happened.

As soon as they took the stage, the too-cool-for-school hipster crowd at the Avalon transformed into a dance party. Everyone was throwing their hands in the air as though they did not care and shaking their hips a la Michael J. Fox circa right now.

There was one particular Asian woman right in front of my girlfriend who stood out in particular. When the music started, she did that weird catatonic dance that girls do when they need attention, which is fitting for her because she looked like she was there alone. It’s that kind of dancing that would best be described as a cross between Tina Turner in her prime and a weapon from Halo 3.

This Asian woman was grinding so hard against my girlfriend that I was getting a boner. Not because I was seeing some chick grind up against my girlfriend, as awesome as that was. No, it was because she grinding so hard against my girlfriend that I could actually feel her through my girlfriend. And what’s more, she had roughly five feet of space in front of her so there was absolutely no reason for any of this madness. But it did add to the music and overall excitement of the night, so I’m not complaining.

Asians, although socially awkward and dangerous behind the wheel, can still serve a purpose.

No, I haven’t actually seen it. I saw Employee of the Month and that’s just about enough Dane Cook in a feature film for me. And after reading this hilarious review of Good Luck Chuck, the deal has been sealed.

Eastern Promises opens the way any good family movie should, with a guy getting his throat cut open at a barber shop. Lesson learned: the mafia is bad. Good to know.

The movie is about a mafia driver/bodyguard played by Viggo Mortensen and his developing relationship with both a London-based Russian crime family and a midwife (whatever the hell that is) played by Naomi Watts.

I’ll be honest, for the first 20 or so minutes of Eastern Promises, I thought the movie took place in Russia. I just figured it was a movie about the Russian mafia so it would make perfect sense that the movie would take place in Russia .

I remember sitting there wondering, “Why the hell are they speaking so much English?” Usually, the characters would speak English and only occasionally would the speak in Russian. I just figured the filmmakers wanted to make it easier on the audience like they did in Hunt for Red October. You know, have them speak mostly English and on occasion switch back to Russian to maintain a level of authenticity. Nobody wants to read subtitles all the time, right?

And I paid no mind to the fact that Naomi Watts lived with her family and they all spoke English. Again, maybe they were doing a Red October. Or maybe they were an English family living in Russia. It’s crazy in Russia , you know. Everything is opposite there (In Soviet Russia, hamburger eats you!).

I suppose I should have gotten it when Viggo Mortensen’s character was giving directions to Naomi Watts’ character and they were both looking at a big map of London. And then Viggo stopped mid-sentence, looked directly into the camera and said, “This movie takes place in London, not Russia.” Totally missed it.

Anywho, the plot in uber-Cliffs Notes form: A woman dies while giving birth, Naomi Watts takes care of the baby, finds the dead mother’s diary, gets it translated and finds out the woman was raped by someone in the mob, and befriends Viggo and then plot twist after plot twist after plot twist. And hilarity ensues! Not really.

I’ll be surprised if Viggo does not get an Academy Award nomination for his performance. Everything about his character, from his accent to his numerous tattoos convey that this is man has a definite past and is not to be taken lightly. There are certain shots where he comes across as a stone cold killer and others where you can tell that just maybe he’s not such a bad guy. There’s a scene where his character is ordered to have sex with a woman to prove he is not gay (wait, what?) and as he’s doing it you can see the torment in his face, as though perhaps he is not your average mob enforcer.

Then, there’s the much talked about shower fight scene. It’s a balls-out (literally) scene not for the squeamish. I’ll just say the conclusion of the scene had everyone in the theatre cringing and muttering something along the lines of “Oh shit.” It’s a very well done, very realistic fight scene. Well, that’s not to say that I know what it’s like to be attacked by two guys with knives in a London bath house. Still, that scene alone almost makes the movie worth the price of admission.

If you like movies about the mafia, this one’s for you. If you liked the blood and guts and overall badassery of Goodfellas and Casino but could have done without all the Wopishness, go see this. If you want to see Viggo Mortensen as his usual badass self and playing something other than King Aragorn or the mean guy from GI Jane, go see this. And if you are deeply obsessed with Lord of the Rings and want to see King Aragorn’s wang, well, I guess you’ve probably already seen this and downloaded a camcorder bootleg copy of it and watched it over and over. You weirdo.

I learned something new yesterday. Well, several things. Firstly and foremostly, always think twice about what it is you’re calling a radio station to win. Tickets to Lollapalooza: call. Passes two a movie premier: yeah sure, call. Tickets to UB40: wait, who?

UB40 is, well shit, I don’t really know who they are, either. If you’re my age, you probably know them mostly for their cover of Elvis’ “(I can’t help) Falling in love with you” which was used prominently as the song in 1993’s Sliver, which was primarily used by me as an excuse to see Sharon Stone naked and engage in recreation with my newly functioning testicles. Their breakout hit, however, was 1983’s “Red, red wine.” Anything else they’ve done other than that or since then is completely beyond me.

A brief Internet query will tell you UB40 is the most successful reggae band of all time in terms of record sales (over 55 million), chart positions and touring schedule. And yet, I do not know anyone who owns a single UB40 album. Must be an English thing.

I don’t know what my deal was last Thursday when the DJ on Indie 103.1 said “I’ve got two tickets for UB40 this Sunday at the Greek Theatre, caller number 20 and they’re yours.” I don’t know why I was so eager to pick up the phone and call, but I did. It was an error in judgment, much like that time I dropped an n-bomb during an African American studies class in college.

And once I had the tickets I couldn’t not go to the concert, either. I won them fair & square and I felt compelled to attend since my expectations were so low. I have found in my 25 years on this dying planet that it’s the things you expect to suck that are the ones that usually wind up blowing you away.

I also don’t think I would have been able to sell these tickets, either. Because, well shit, it’s UB40. I mean, c’mon. At that point so close to the concert, nobody is going to be searching craigslist for UB40 tickets. There wasn’t anybody on the day of the show that was like, “You know what, fuck it, let’s go see UB40.” Secondly, I don’t know what I would have even said in my craigslist ad: I have two tickets for sale for the UB40 show this Sunday night at the Greek Theatre. Am only selling because it’s UB40 and they suck. It was clear I had to attend.

Luckily, I got to my seats just as the band took the stage. When I say the band, I mean ten guys. That’s right, ten. It takes ten dudes to make music that would be more appropriate in a Crystal Light ad. Their music sounds more or less like crappy, white reggae, which is exactly what it is. Case in point, you know it’s going to suck when the band has two saxophone players. No band needs one sax player, let alone two.

And then you’ve got the crowd, a bunch of forty-something yuppies in collared shirts. And they danced, well, they danced in a way that only white forty-something yuppies can dance. The best way to describe it is zombies on painkillers. Maybe that’s what it was, maybe everyone there besides me was on hard drugs. That’s probably the only way someone could enjoy shit like this. Hard drugs are probably the only thing that would motivate someone to drop $35-$65 a ticket.

So there I was, feeling out of place and not on hard drugs, waiting for them to get through their set. I figured they’d play the two aforementioned songs last during their encore. It’s basic common sense for a band to save the best for last, and I wouldn’t mind sitting through the set for them.

But goddamn, it was torture. Every song sounded exactly the same. I found myself wondering during the end of the second song if they were still playing the first. It was bad. I could sit down at a guitar and write a song comparable to a UB40 song in 5 minutes, and I suck at guitar. Instead of UB40, they should call themselves We Got High and Listened to Bob Marley a Lot in High School. That has a nice ring to it.

After what may have been six songs or maybe just one long song with an applause break after every four minutes, they played “Red, red wine.” And that was enough for me. I had to leave, song from the movie Sliver be damned. For the first time in my life, I walked out on a concert. It’s something I never thought I’d do. But then again, I didn’t pay for these tickets.

I don’t really feel all that guilty for walking out on a concert that I got to attend for free. I still can’t figure out what business Indie 103.1 had with giving away UB40 tickets. Indie plays, well, indie. Indie rock, to be exact. UB40 ain’t indie rock and I have never heard Indie play UB40. They wouldn’t even play UB40 to be ironic or funny, either.

I only feel guilty for the joy some other lucky listener, perhaps a true UB40 fan, could have had with the tickets. I’m sure there’s a huge UB40 fan out there in the greater Los Angeles are who had not yet bought tickets for the show and happened to be listening to Indie 103.1 at that exact same time but just couldn’t get to the phone quick enough. Yeah, probably not.