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This review has the potential to be completely meaningless, because there is not much difference between me reviewing the Simpsons Movie and Lindsay Lohan reviewing cocaine. Too soon? That being said, my overall opinion of the Simpsons Movie is this: it was awesome, but bittersweet.

Let’s get to the awesome. It’s pretty much everything a Simpsons fan could ask for. It more or less plays out like an extended episode, albeit a very good episode (i.e. any episode from seasons 4-9). The simplest joy of it was simply being able to see the family, town and townspeople on the big screen and on a much, much grander scale (like the South Park movie). The characters themselves were also slightly modified, their edges lightly shaded to reinforce with us that yes, we are indeed watching Our Favorite Family on the big screen and not just an extended episode.

The movie itself is full of the fresh, twisted humor that has kept the show running for eighteen seasons with no end in sight. There are so many sight gags, inside jokes and jabs at anything and everything that a second viewing is completely necessary (if only it didn’t cost $11 to see a movie in LA).

That being said, I wish I wish I wish this movie had happened a long time ago. Honest fans of the show will tell you the show lost its luster about a decade ago and devolved into a half-assed parody of itself. It all boils down to the bottom line. The show is still Fox’s cash cow, still bringing in an average of 10 million viewers each Sunday. I am suspect, however, that a large amount of these viewers still watch the show just because they grew up with it and don’t know anything else. It is more or less like an old family dog that just needs to be put to sleep.

In my perfect world, the show would have followed the path of Seinfeld and bowed out after ten seasons, still fresh and still loved by its fans. Then, a Simpsons movie would have come out every couple of years. Unfortunately for the show and all of us, it is beginning its 19th season in a couple of months and has devolved more or less into a parody of itself. It was once the hottest thing on TV, now it’s more or less riding on its own coattails.

Anyone who knows me knows that I at one point was completely obsessed with this show. I still have roughly the first 15 seasons on VHS. I once spent twelve bucks and an hour and a half at an arcade playing and beating the original arcade game. One of the happiest moments of my life was when the show started airing in syndication. That was then, this is now.

Bad taste aside, the movie is still pretty awesome, even for bitter people like me. The movie maintains more than enough of the charm of the first ten seasons without loading itself up with the crappy writing that has dogged the show for the past eight years. As soon as the Twentieth Century Fox logo appears and Ralph Wiggum sings the Fox theme song, you know you’re in for a good time. Any Simpsons fan owes it to themselves to see the movie and make sure they see it in the theatre. And for those not familiar with the show, all three of them, this will serve as a great introduction.

Although it was slightly ahead of my time and I consider myself to more of a GI Joe kind of person, I’ll admit I was a little more than excited when I saw the teaser trailer for Transformers over a year ago. “A live-action Transformers movie?!? Fuck yeah, where do I sign up?” (I didn’t really say that out loud.)

Then it was announced somewhere down the line that Michael Bay was set to direct. I don’t even know how to describe how I felt when I learned that. On one hand, it’s Michael Bay . And on the other, it’s Michael Bay.

Because let’s be honest, Michael Bay is an awful director. He’s just…awful. He makes movies, not films. See the difference? James Cameron, he makes films. Michael Bay makes movies. And bad ones at that. Man, how awesome would it have been had Cameron directed Transformers? Instead, he prefers to waste his time looting the Titanic, starring as himself on Entourage and pissing off God. I digress.

But this is Transformers, people. If there’s one movie Michael Bay might actually be good at, it’s this. Robots and explosions, how hard can it be? I would gladly take two hours of a straight up robot war. Who wouldn’t? Somehow, someway, Michael Bay managed to fuck that up.

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It’s common knowledge that trilogies are risky endeavors. When I think of the parts of a trilogy I think of the same expression I tell homeless people when they ask me for spare change: “Hey, we can’t all be winners.” The basic rule of trilogies is: one of them, usually the 2nd, is going to suck. Just look at Return of the Jedi, Temple of Doom, Godfather III, Beverly Hills Cop 3 and Live Free or Die Hard* to get an idea of what I mean. Or think of when Michael Jordan played for the Washington Wizards.

*I know Live Free or Die Hard is the 4th movie and isn’t out yet but I got a hunch it’s due for suckage (It’s rated PG-13, for fuck’s sake). By the way, is Die Hard now referred to as a quadilogy?

For all those examples of the 2-1=3 rule of trilogies there is also the possibility of two, not just one, but two of them sucking. I refer to Major League, The Matrix, The Sandlot and Tremors, all examples of a grandtastic idea Hollywooded into a big pile of poop.

After the monstrosity that was Ocean’s 12, I was more than a little afraid that Ocean’s 13 was going to suck more than your mom. Luckily, the movie worked. Well, it worked in a relative sense. It’s not like it’s a good movie but it’s still good. It’s good in the same sense that Entourage is good: beautiful people doing cool shit and that’s it.

And just like Entourage and the first two Ocean’s, this one had its share of implausible plot elements, but you know what else had a lot of plot holes and stuff that would never happen? Million Dollar Baby. We all know women can’t fight. Huuuuge plot hole right there and it won the Oscar for Best Picture. All right, I guess 11’s plot was a bit more of a stretch than Million Dollar Baby and 12, well, the less we talk about Ocean’s 12 the better.

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So I finally got around to watching Poseidon (it’s not always I before E, bitches) tonight on HBO. I never really cared to see it when it was in the theaters. I had to watch the trailer for it at every Dodgers home game I went to from April before it opened all the way to around June when it was switched to the Superman trailer. I was actually sick of the movie before it even opened and without having seen it. There was no way in hell I was going to see it.

But tonight was different. We had just gotten out cable turned back on and I felt like relaxing. Poseidon was coming on at 7 – why not give it a chance? I was impressed from the start. The boat itself was beautiful and the cast was full of stars like Kurt Russell, Josh Lucas and Richard Dreyfuss.

I must say a movie has definite potential if it has Kurt Russell in it. He played Wyatt Earp and was awesome in it so it makes sense that any movie he’s in is also awesome, all the way back to Big Trouble in Little China to the film being discussed. Things were really starting to pick up steam in Poseidon’s favor.

Then came the part I was really waiting to see: the rogue wave. The scene starts out as a night of celebration at sea. It’s complete with good food, fine wine, a few laughs and special musical entertainment by none other than Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas.

Click.

This is a difficult review to write, seeing as to how I’ve never actually seen Moulin Rouge! You can put it up on the list along with The Lion King, Million Dollar Baby, Chicago and all of the Harry Potters, as these are all popular, some award-winning, movies that I have not seen and probably will never see. I just never got around to seeing it. I just happened to come home the other night and my roommate and one of our friends were watching the Moulin. I was kind of going in and out of the living room and would glance over so I saw a little.

I’m not even sure what it’s about. Judging by the scattered 15 seconds of the whole movie that I actually saw along with what I remember from the trailers five years ago, I think it’s about people that own a club or are putting on a play or something. Is that even close? Probably not.

It’s probably about down on their luck Depression era steel workers who sing to get by or something goofy like that. Maybe there’s a sick boy who needs money for an operation, maybe has polio. And the steel workers enter some “competition, a singing competition? A singing competition!” in order to raise money for the boy.

Hell, I could be right on guessing about the plot. You probably just read that and thought, “Douglas Ferdinand Dixon, you’re so full of shit. It’s obvious you’ve seen it. You probably have it on Laserdisc.” Nay, I have not seen it but for the sake of this article, let’s agree on the plot that I am probably right about: Moulin Rouge! is about Depression Era steel workers who use song in order to save a little boy’s life.

Based on the short snippets I saw, it looks like a pretty good movie. There was lovely set decoration and the vocal performances were very powerful and moving. It’s probably entertaining.

I still probably won’t watch it and it’s not because I think it’s a sissie-ish movie or anything. I just don’t care to see it. I don’t want to see Nicole Kidman sing any more than I want to see Hilary Swank all googley in the hospital at the end of MDB. That happened, right?

My friend’s got it on DVD. He said when it came out he saw it 12 nights in a row. 12; it meant that much to him. If one of my friends can find that much meaning and inspiration in a movie, I think I owe it to him to at least watch it once. I can maybe find the time.

Nope.

mac3n81 (8:25:20 PM): finally got around to seeing Happy Feet
Runboy82 (8:25:37 PM): and?
mac3n81 (8:28:32 PM): you know how in march of penguins someof them died and it was sad and whatnot?
Runboy82 (8:29:32 PM): i never actually saw it but i can imagine
mac3n81 (8:30:01 PM): well with happy feet iw as actually sad that none of the penguins were dying
Runboy82 (8:30:16 PM): oh
mac3n81 (8:30:29 PM): and robin williams did two voices for the movie
mac3n81 (8:30:51 PM): cuz there just isn’t enough robin williams in teh world these days
mac3n81 (8:31:18 PM): i’m surprised they didn’t have owen wilson in there too
mac3n81 (8:31:26 PM): maybe ben stiller
mac3n81 (8:32:47 PM): like you ever see a movie where it’s so cheap and cliche that you feel like you’re being slapped in the face by the cast and crew?
Runboy82 (8:33:06 PM): yeah that’s how i was about oceans 12
mac3n81 (8:33:25 PM): it’s like i got slapped in the face and when i was wincing in pain they took $14 out of my wallet.
Runboy82 (8:31:41 PM): is owen the one with the nose?
mac3n81 (8:31:39 PM): yeah