Grood.com

If you ever wanted to see a 9-year-old girl take a bunch of boys to school on the football field, look no further.

Thank you for making last night’s game against the Giants so memorable.

When I approached my seat halfway during the top of the first inning, you said with a laugh, “It’s going to be cozy.” Indeed it was cozy. But you didn’t say what a delightful treat it’d be to be sitting next to you for 8 ½ more innings.

Thank you for sitting on half of my left leg each and every time you sat down. Go ahead, take up half of my seat. The numbers on the bench are only a suggestion anyways. And when you do sit on the bench, make sure to get comfortable and spread your legs out like a V. Me? I’m fine sitting here with my legs crammed together like I’m being constricted by an anaconda. It’s no problem, they’re just my testicles. That’s why God gave me two of them.

It was all a welcome reminder that I am just not that much of a Dodgers fan. With season tickets, I’ve only been to maybe 20 of the 55 Dodgers games I could have attended so far this year due to my busy schedule. I’m guessing you, on the other hand, are batting 1 for 1 for attendance this season. Based on that percentage, you are way more of a fan than I could ever be.

And you did a hell of a job complaining to your husband about how when Barry Bonds was playing left field he was in fact not getting in the “ready position” right before each pitch. It doesn’t matter that the batter was being intentionally walked and there was no reason to get ready to make a play. Go all out or don’t go at all, that’s my motto.

Speaking of your husband, be sure to tell him thanks for conjuring up a fart that gave me a good idea of what Auschwitz might have smelled like during the summer of 1942. I was considering buying a Dodger Dog at the time, but your husband’s influence wound up saving me $5. $5!

His green “Sport Bass Fishing” shirt was so fashionable. It went so well with the “Harry Potter if he was a lesbian” look you had going on. You know, you’re right. Barry does indeed suck. That is, of course, why you kept yelling “Barry Sucks!” over and over. That’s so fresh, so original. I’ve never heard someone yell that before. Thank you, again, husky woman who sat next to me Tuesday night at the Dodgers game. You are truly one of the reasons I love people so much.

As it does every summer, my apartment has been transformed into a Holiday Inn Express. Why anyone would want to spend their summer vacation in this shit hole is beyond me. Then again, I live here so who’s to say what is right, you know? I’ve had guests crashing here the past week and will continue to do so until next Mondayish. I’ve also been working on a new Grood video which probably won’t come out until sometime next week.

Some schtuff I found interesting or noteworthy:

Speaking of unwarranted violence, the video on the left shows the Giants’ mascot, Lou Seal (no really, that’s his name), spraying a few unsuspecting Dodgers fans with Silly String at Giants Stadium a few weeks back. And wouldn’t you know it, one of the Dodgers fans wrestled with and finally pushed Lou Seal (I shit you not, that’s his name) down. The two fans were later escorted out by security.

Perhaps it was an overreaction, but what the hell are you supposed to do in that situation? You’re just sitting there minding your own business, watching and making fun of Barry Bonds (Barroids*, if you will), and out of nowhere a big orange freak sneaks up on you and hoses you down with chemicals. Are you just supposed to sit there and take it? It’s almost as if they were set up to get ejected from the game. In this day and age, I’m surprised they guys didn’t shoot Lou Seal (I’m not making it up, that’s his fucking name) in front of everyone. I mean, they’re Dodgers fans after all.

*See? It’s because Barry Bonds may have done steroids.