Grood.com

I’m serious. I was talking to someone the other day and we played a quick game of “Where the hell is Dave Chappelle?” and she brought up that he is now on ABC’s Better Off Ted. I didn’t believe this because A) I was highly certain I would have known this and B) I was high. But I had reason to believe this woman because A) she was black and would know better than I do and B) I was high.

Turns out I’m right. Maybe.

I mean I guess they look similar but not in a they-all-look-the-same kind of way, which is how that would have sounded had I said the guy was Dave Chappelle. I mean, they’re both black and they both wear hats on occasion. Turns out the other buy is Malcolm Barrett, the same guy you’ve seen in those Bud Light “Drinkability” ads. Neat!

In the least shocking news of the day, the ShawmWow guy, aka Vince Shlomi, likes himself some hookers. According to The Smoking Gun, the ShamWow Guy “was arrested last month on a felony battery charge following a violent confrontation with a prostitute in his South Beach hotel room.” Long story short, a hooker bit his tongue and he Chris Browned her.

His mugshot:

So, it turns out that I am in fact not the only person that is frightened by the ShamWow guy. The man haunts my dreams…

As it does every summer, my apartment has been transformed into a Holiday Inn Express. Why anyone would want to spend their summer vacation in this shit hole is beyond me. Then again, I live here so who’s to say what is right, you know? I’ve had guests crashing here the past week and will continue to do so until next Mondayish. I’ve also been working on a new Grood video which probably won’t come out until sometime next week.

Some schtuff I found interesting or noteworthy:

Speaking of unwarranted violence, the video on the left shows the Giants’ mascot, Lou Seal (no really, that’s his name), spraying a few unsuspecting Dodgers fans with Silly String at Giants Stadium a few weeks back. And wouldn’t you know it, one of the Dodgers fans wrestled with and finally pushed Lou Seal (I shit you not, that’s his name) down. The two fans were later escorted out by security.

Perhaps it was an overreaction, but what the hell are you supposed to do in that situation? You’re just sitting there minding your own business, watching and making fun of Barry Bonds (Barroids*, if you will), and out of nowhere a big orange freak sneaks up on you and hoses you down with chemicals. Are you just supposed to sit there and take it? It’s almost as if they were set up to get ejected from the game. In this day and age, I’m surprised they guys didn’t shoot Lou Seal (I’m not making it up, that’s his fucking name) in front of everyone. I mean, they’re Dodgers fans after all.

*See? It’s because Barry Bonds may have done steroids.

This week’s episode started with a tour of a few legendary spots around the Bronx for a lesson in hip hop history or as I like to call it, hiphopstery.

Among others, they stopped by Kurtis Blow’s place. Am I the only one who was surprised to learn that he’s still alive, especially with a name like Kurtis Blow? I feel if your name invokes a drug you probably won’t live a long life. You’re never going to read an obituary that reads Rapper Tom Methamphetamines Dead at 91. By the way, how do you settle on a name like Kurtis Blow? Was Kurtis Cocaine already taken? What about Kurtis Crack?

After that, the group competed in a game show of that tested their knowledge of old school hip hop songs. MC Serch played a clip and whoever answered first would get a point. It’s embarrassing for me when none of them could identify a Run DMC song.

Following that embarrassment, the entire group was then split in half to compete against each other in a microphone battle royale. I have to tell you, watching these morons come up with a rhyme on the spot is like watching…well, I don’t want to say it. I’ll just say every appropriate analogy that pops into my head involves special needs children.

Each member of the losing group then had to come up with a verse or two of self-deprecating lyrics. The loser of that bunch would be eliminated. With all of these losers you’d think it’d be easy for them to make fun of themselves. They couldn’t even do that effectively. These people are uber-losers.

To help judge, MC Serch brought out his friend and legendary producer, Prince Paul. Not just Prince Paul but legendary producer Prince Paul. I spent about ten seconds looking up exactly what production work the double P, as I’m sure his true homies call him, has done to earn the title of legendary and sure enough, it took me even less time to read over his list of accomplishments. Let’s see, he did a Chris Rock album. That’s legendary! With legendary producer Prince Paul and hip hop icon MC Serch, this show is just chalk full of stars! VH1 must have spent a fortune on this show.

When it was all said and done, Misfit was voted off. That’s just great; they get rid of hot one. What reason do I have to watch this show now? And more importantly, why don’t these people get it? It’s like they saw Seth Green in Can’t Hardly Wait and thought, “Man, that guy’s cool.”

You ever see something that makes you embarrassed to be white? Like you see something and you just want to scrub the whiteness off of you? I managed to catch the first episode of VH1’s The (White) Rapper Show last night. Yes, that’s the name of it. Clever, I know.

I can’t explain why exactly I watched the whole show. All I know is I had just eaten and was feeling kinda tired and the remote was like ten, no, fifteen feet away. In retrospect, I should have purged and gotten up to get the roommate or at the very least called my roommate to help me out. He was out shopping, though, so it would have been kind of ridiculous to call my roommate on his phone to grab the remote for me if he wasn’t even home.

The (White) Rapper Show delivers what it promises. It’s about, you guessed it, white rappers. More to the point, it’s kind of like American Idol but with, well, yeah. There’s ten contestants and they compete to find out who will be the next great white hope.

It’s hosted by MC Serch. Who, you ask? Exactly. You may, and I stress may, remember him when he was in a group called 3rd Bass way back in 1991 with their hit “Pop Goes the Weasel.” You may also remember him from ah, screw it. It doesn’t matter.

Oddly enough, he’s labeled on the show not as MC Serch but as MC Serch, Hip Hop Icon. Riiiiight, VH1. If MC Serch is a hip hop icon then I am a legendary comedian. If MC Serch is a hip hop icon then I am an Olympic track star. If MC Serch is a hip hop icon then I am the world’s greatest sex machine. If MC Serch is a hip hop icon…you get it, right?

I’m willing to bet the decision to have him host went something like: “The Beastie Boys are above doing this. Eminem too. Vanilla Ice was already on The Surreal Life. Snow, I think Snow is dead. Or at least I hope he is. Hmm…let’s see. Who’s next on down the totem pole?”

The rest of the cast is a Who’s Who of every dork you couldn’t stand in high school. The standouts include a nimrod named John Brown. He’s got that whole uncentered-eye thing going on. You know, where one eye is looking right at you and the other one is pointed off to the side a little, just enough for you to not take him seriously at all. And the guy sounds plum retarded when he talks. He makes Mase sound like James Earl Jones.

Then there’s Misfit Dior, a British chick who looks like Jewel if she had good teeth. Wait, What? An English chick with good teeth? Outrageous! At the opposite end of the spectrum is Persia. To give you an idea, Misfit is the hot girl you’re trying to nail at the party and just when you think she’s about to put out, Persia comes in and pulls her away because it’s getting late and she has to work in the morning. And, you know, because guys weren’t talking to her and she was getting frustrated

To prove my point, Persia brandished a dildo at one point during an altercation with John Brown. Yeah.

To her credit, Persia can actually rap. But, in case you didn’t know, she’s white. Calling a white rapper good is like calling a pedophile handsome. He may look good but he still likes to touch little kids.

There are a few more degenerates in there like some dude who looks like K Fed’s inbred cousin, and that’s saying a lot, and another dude with a unsightly harelip. I’m not one to make fun of someone just because they look a little different but, uh, I can’t think of a way to end this sentence.

The episode started with the ten being introduced to their apartment in Brooklyn, aptly named The White House. Um, yeah. As exhausting as it already is, the references to their whiteness don’t end there. Everything in the apartment is white-related. The overall décor happens to be white. The trashcan is even labeled white trash. For Christ’s sake, there’s a giant jar of Mayo in the middle of the freaking living room. Seriously. It’s kind of funny that they put parentheses around white in the title of the show and yet they’re so in-your-face about it in the episode.

I wonder what would happen if they did a show that was the opposite of this. Like if they took a bunch of black people and had them try to form a rock band. Would everything be black-related? Would the sign on the bathroom door read Colored People Only? Because that would be hilarious.

The ten were then lead through the Bronx to try to spit game to a few different groups of natives, who then reviewed them. I don’t remember exactly who they picked. And it probably doesn’t matter, either. Remember, these were natives of the Bronx. Chances are they would have said Corky from Life Goes On was a skilled emcee as long as they got their $50 and a chance to be on TV. The rappers even stopped by Grandmaster Flash’s crib in the Bronx to get his take on everything. Well, perhaps I just proved my point.

After that the whole group was each put on the spot to come up with a verse or two about their experience so far in the Bronx. Rather than represent, these assclowns all reacted like a dog does when it doesn’t understand what you are saying to it and it does that cock-headed thing like it’s trying to get water out of its ear.

Their end results for the challenge were abysmal at best. The only exception was one rapper, Dasit, who actually opted to not write or perform anything. Wait, I get it! Dasit! Like that’s it. Goddamn, that’s clever. Sorry, I meant Dasclever.

Anyways yeah, Dasit said he didn’t write anything because that’s not the way he likes to write. Sounds like sour grapes to me. He probably should have said, “No, no, no. You got me all wrong. It’s not that I couldn’t come up with something. It’s that I didn’t want to. Completely different.”

MC Serch wasn’t having any of this. He was not appreciating how Dasit was “fronting,” whatever the fark that means. Serch yelled at him, “I am not here to play!” I’m sure VH1 edited out him saying right after, “I am really here because I am past due on my child support payments and I need all the work I can get. I mean I’m down in the dumps right now…dawg.” You know, because white people who think they are black use the word dawg a lot in their daily conversation. Dasit was the first to be eliminated.

Check your local listings for the second episode to air next week. I mean seriously, because I probably won’t. You just gotta wonder what, if anything, is going through these people’s heads. There’s also an online White Rapper Show game if that’s more your thing.

Oh that Michael Richards. Always saying what everyone else is thinking. Right? Am I right? Guys? Just me?

I actually saw him like three months ago at the Laugh Factory and he didn’t say the N-word then. I guess it’s good to see he’s working on some newer stuff.

Honestly, I thought he kind of sucked when I saw him. It was more about the thrill of seeing Kramer than anything else. It was a lot of rancor-laden ranting and raving and rambling and other r-related words. Kind of sad.

The whole thing doesn’t offend me as much as it scares me. I wonder, am I just going to go off on someone someday when I’m onstage? Completely out of the blue. I don’t think I ever will but I bet Michael Richards didn’t think he’d ever say that onstage, either. Maybe I should do it now just to get it out of the way.

Somewhere out there Mel Gibson is laughing.