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Soooo… maybe leaving my dogs alone for the afternoon wasn’t the best idea I’ve ever had. I loved that carpet.

This ongoing war between me and my two dogs has reached epic proportions. First, it was two of my Bluetooth headsets, then their newly purchased bed, then a $10 bill. Angie, my terrier/schnauzer/demon mix, has finally resorted to using her nuclear option: she’s in heat.

I’ve always had male dogs so all of this is quite new. And quite disgusting. You roll on her on her back and all you see is vadge. It’s just…there. It looks like her body is slowly turning itself inside out and her vagina is the starting point. You cannot not notice it.

I normally wouldn’t resort to such low tactics as a way of revenge but since she likes to eat everything I own (in fact, I caught her chewing on a pen this morning and she’s probably eating something of mine as I type this), I say screw it.

My dog’s vagina is so big…

-it was on TMZ last night.
-it consists of billions and billions of stars.
-I caught five kids jumping up and down in it. They had mistaken it for a Jupiter Jump.
-both the Lakers and the Clippers play there.
-Vanity Fair’s post-Oscar party was held there.
-NASA uses it to shelter the space shuttle in between missions.
-it’s hosting the summer Olympic games in 2024.
-Microsoft has made an offer to purchase it.
-it’s visible from space.
-the FAA mandated that we place blinking lights on it.
-CNN and FoxNews both agree that Clinton needs to gain the popular vote in it in order to gain the Democratic Party’s nomination.
-Starbucks now has four sizes: tall, grande, venti, Angie’s vagina.
-Google advertises on it.
-Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade will be moved to it.
-it’s ranked #3 in the preseason College Football poll.
-it just got its own NBA franchise.
-my Charles Schwab advisor has an office there.
-it sponsors an LPGA tournament every year.
-Bo Knows it.
-the Rolling Stones are playing three shows in it.
-it recorded a song with Kanye West.
-US troops are stationed in it.
-it won a BAFTA for best actor.
-it won a Grammy for Best Alternative Album.
-Tom Hanks is teaming up with it for a buddy comedy.
-it’s considered a main source of CO2 emissions.
-it has its own blog.
-it used to do blow with Martin Scorcese.
-it wrote the script for Raiders of the Lost Ark.
-North Carolina retired its number.
-the Endeavour Space Shuttle just docked there.
-the 210 fwy extension passes through it.
-10 new insect species and 5 new mammal species have been discovered there.
-it’s the 4th member of the Axis of Evil.
-it won the Nobel Peace Prize for biology.
-Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have adopted it.
-it was the setting for the transfer of sovereignty of Hong Kong back to the Chinese.
-a Quizno’s just opened up in it.
-it is a key negotiator in releasing tension in Columbia .
-a new Six Flags opens there this Spring.
-it took the Hubble telescope 2 hours to decode its image.
-the opening scene from Saving Private Ryan was filmed there.
-the coal mine horn still goes off at noon there.
-it was knighted by Queen Elizabeth II.
-it had its own category on Jeopardy last night.
-Simon Cowell shed a tear after hearing the acoustics in it.
-Zagat reviewed it as one of the best places in town to get a latenight drink.
-it was an executive producer for the The Godfather Part 3
-it used to do commercials for 1-800-COLLECT.
-it’s replacing Conan O’Brien.
-Osama Bin Laden is hiding there.
-two whales got beached on it.
-it has more friends on Myspace than Tom.
-it overtook Warren Buffett on the Forbes List.
-it’s ranked #6 on most affordable cities to live.
-the Mississippi River passes through it….twice.
-in college I would travel there to get 6 point beer.
-Hurricane Katrina first formed on it.
-it just signed a $40 million dollar deal with Adidas.
-it’s released two different box sets of its greatest hits.
-Live Aid did a show on it.
-Napoleon tried to conquer it.
-scientists are hoping to establish a civilization if they can find water on it.
-it played Charlotte on ‘Sex and the City’.
-the Versailles Treaty was signed on it.
-it recently dissolved its Parliament.
-due to low leasing costs, Jacoby & Meyers has moved their headquarters there.
-the hull of the Titanic was assembled there.
-Moses and his people traversed it after he had parted it.
-a new particle accelerator has been built there.
-a moon has been detected orbiting it.
-Gary Busey was seen sleeping in it.
-two bouncers kicked Pauly Shore out of it because he wasn’t on the list.
-Munich, Germany has named it its official sister city.
-Paramount has signed it to a three picture deal.
-it’s where the 2009 L.A. Marathon will take place.
-it has been inducted into the Historical Landmark Association.
-Bill Gates has a summer home there.
-it has the absorption power to wipe out the Pacific Ocean.
-it wrote the theme song for “Babe: Pig in the City”.

There’s nothing quite like your dog walking into the living room and Alexander Hamilton is looking up at you from the corner of her mouth.

And she didn’t even eat it. She just chewed it up a whole bunch. She just wanted to toy with me. This is an act of war if there ever was one. That bitch is going to get it.

I’d like to say that I’m the world’s greatest puppy parent and that my two girls sleep on a bed made of clouds but that’d only be a half truth. Best of all, that bed had been purchased maybe, maybe 36 hours prior to this picture being taken. Freaking sweet.