Grood.com

After three days of being disabled, this shitty site is back on the internets. The best part about it is the only explanation our host could give me for disabling the site is, “We don’t really know.” Turns out there was some error somewhere along the way and their IT guys flagged us for abuse and they immediately disabled the site without so much as a notice or an explantation other than the previously mentioned, “We don’t really know.” Awesome.

I almost fell down laughing when I saw this magazine in Rite Aid last night. I don’t know exactly how a woman can make her junk beautiful but then again, I’m not a pro.

Have you ever had this situation? You’re stopped at a red light and the guy in front of you is not really paying attention because he’s busy either checking out a girl or guy or tranny walking down the street or he’s texting one of his friends about the latest Jonas Brothers* gossip and he fails to notice the light has turned green and so you decide to honk at him to make him aware of the situation. You’re not mad, you’re just giving him a friendly heads up. You’re simply trying to say, “Hey Mr. Driver Guy, the light has turned green. Please act according to the law, both legal and common.” And he gets all pissed off at you and maybe even honks back or he waves his hand sarcastically or even gives you the bird. “Whoa, whoa, whoa,” you think. “You got me all wrong, homedawg.”

My solution: A car horn with two volumes. Different auto situations call for different audible reactions. The standard volume of a domestic automobile is too harsh for some situations and I’m pretty sure it’s across the board (I haven’t had the resources to measure the volume of European or Asian automobile horns).

Let’s equate it to real life: You’re in line for a movie or an amusement park ride or a bukkake and the line is shifting forward and yet the man in front of you ceases to move. You wouldn’t YELL AT HIM AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS TO MOVE, would you? No because that situation does not call for it. You’d simply say, “Excuse me, kind sir, would you mind stepping forward?” It’s more polite and quite frankly, any sudden loud noises in line at a bukkake could result in premature popping. And a premature pop does not a DVD sell.

It’s very simple, really. The top half of the wheel can be the “hey, fuck you you fucking fuck!” horn while the bottom half of the wheel can be the “excuse me, kind sir” horn. Goddamn, I’m a genius.

*I have no idea who/what the Jonas Brothers is/are.

Have you ever found yourself waving your hands underneath one of those motion-activated paper towel dispensers and nothing is coming out but you keep waving your hands underneath it thinking maybe it’s just a slow machine and will eventually start feeding out paper towels and then a minute later you realize it’s regular old manual paper towel dispenser and there are now people watching you?

Me neither.

Call me Mario because my sink is fixed. Finally. Combining the repairs I did a few months ago with the leaky faucet along with the repairs I just completed underneath the sink, I pretty much know everything there is to know about a kitchen sink. And remember, kids, that life is about learning. Am I the greatest person alive right now? Right now, yes.

Pictured below is my sink and all its new shiny parts along with a smidgen of duct tape, because no plumbing job would be complete without duct tape.