This little skirmish with my sink has evolved into a goddamn epic battle. The good news is that the clog is gone. The bad news is I now have a leak. Apparently, pouring fucking acid down your drain is not such a good idea. Who knew? Actually, it would have been okay if the P-Trap (the curvy part of the pipe) had not been previously repaired with aluminum and electrical tape.
Pictured below is an updated photo of the mess along with a pic of my hands as they’ve been butchered and bloody. It’s ok to cut your hands on a jagged, rusty pipe, right?
I estimate that I have spent somewhere around $100 (hacksaw, deburring tool, sulfuric acid, drain cleaner, drain foamer, copper P-Trap, another P-Trap that I don’t need and some washers that I lost the receipt for, an adjustable pipe wrench) and around ten hours over three nights dealing with this fucking thing. But I’ve got a plan. It ends here. It ends tonight.
Just today, I was driving towards an intersection and there was this other car about thirty yards in front of me going the same way. I noticed the light at the intersection had just turned red so I did what most normal people do when they are approaching a red light. You know, I hit the brakes. Brakes are great for those particular situations in which you need to stop your car. I recommend trying them sometime.
After confirming my own deceleration, I noticed the car in front of me was not slowing down. No, not at all. This was frightening to me. Not because I was seeing what was about to unfold and there was nothing I could do about it. No, I was more concerned with the possibility that I was going insane and there was nothing I could do about it.
You ever see something so messed up that you think you’ve actually gone crazy? This was one of those moments. I’m watching this car going straight into this intersection with a red light like it’s green and I’m thinking Am I crazy or is that a red light? That’s it, I’m crazy. I think I’m seeing a red light when it’s obviously green. I have officially gone insane.
About a second later, the car got broadsided by another car, like something you’d see in a movie where it happens all surpise-ish. Nope, guess not. It was red after all. The impact was so hard I could actually feel it from about twenty five yards away. It was terrible. I mean, I guess. I dunno, I slowed down and turned onto a side street and made my way home. Because, I would have had to get out and try to help these poor people and then probably have to talk to the police and blah blah blah. Ugh, it would have taken at least an hour. And who wants to deal with that?
I’ve actually been hit by a car twice while running. I mean I didn’t get barreled over or anything. It screeched to a halt just in time to kind of nudge me to the side, just enough contact for that instant-replay video of my life to start rolling in my head. Fun times.
On top of that, I’ve had a few more extremely close calls. The drivers always look at me like it’s my fault, like I’m the one in control of this particular situation. Like I’m the one behind the wheel of a heavy automobile. What do they expect me to do? Jump up and do a Matrix over their car or something? I worry that one day I may take a car head on. It ain’t going to be pretty. My heart rate gets pretty up there and I imagine if I did get hit it’d probably look like a water balloon blowing up or a fatality from Mortal Kombat.
Yeah so, I just got the Internet back and working since I canceled my land phone line. You wouldn’t think it’d take ten days to change a service but whatever. I mean, can it be more difficult than someone on their end having to click a couple of times with a mouse? Whatever.
I didn’t think it’d be all that hard to go ten days without the Internet. In fact, I thought it’d actually be quite liberating like when you go on vacation to a foreign country that doesn’t have Internet. Shiiiiiit, was I wrong. I’ve come to the conclusion that the Internet is my own version of crack. On day seven, I offered to blow a guy so I could use his wireless to check my myspace messages. True story.
Not really, but I will admit that I spent a little bit of time at the corner coffee shop drinking $3.50 Mexican cokes so I could use their wireless. Mexican Coca Cola is so choice. If you have the means, I highly recommend it. The key to it is they use actual sugar as opposed to high fructose corn syrup, resulting in a slightly peculiar taste. They way I see it, it’s the way coke is probably supposed to taste.
Interestingly enough, sixth on the list of ingredients on the Mexican coke bottle is “acid.” Just acid. It’s not the skin-dissolving alien blood from the movie Aliens nor is it the Pink Floyd type of acid. I guess they leave it up to you to figure out exactly what kind of acid it is. Ah, Mexicans.
So that’s about it. I’m just sorting out the mess of my life that has resulted from my fasting from the Internet. In the meantime, here’s another one of Andy Samberg’s digital shorts from last night’s SNL called “People Getting Punched Just Before Eating.” Andy Samberg (as well as Billy Hader) is the only thing about that show worth watching anymore.
Oh also, I had a funny conversation after I saw a promo on TV for Saturday Night Live: Doug: “Foo Fighters are going to be on SNL this week.” Person I was talking to: “Oh cool. When’s it on?” Doug: “Uh…Saturday.”
I won tickets on the radio today to see UB40 at the Greek Theatre on Sunday. It feels like what I imagine it’d feel like to win a Kia on the Price is Right. Cool but not, like, cool cool.
As it does every summer, my apartment has been transformed into a Holiday Inn Express. Why anyone would want to spend their summer vacation in this shit hole is beyond me. Then again, I live here so who’s to say what is right, you know? I’ve had guests crashing here the past week and will continue to do so until next Mondayish. I’ve also been working on a new Grood video which probably won’t come out until sometime next week.
Some schtuff I found interesting or noteworthy:
Drew Carey to host ‘Price is Right’ I can’t say that I agree with the decision, but there’s really nobody I can think of who can really replace Bob Barker and it sure as hell beats Rosie O’Donnell Replacing Barker. Good Gawd, that would be a trainwreck waiting to happen.
Speaking of Gawd, here’s an amusing picture involving Jesus and the Ghostbusters. You probably already knew where it was headed before you clicked the link. It’s horrible but it makes me laugh.
If I hear “Hey There Delilah” by the Plain White T’s one more time I am going to kill someone. If you’ve heard it you know exactly what song I’m talking about. And if you haven’t, Gawd, how I envy you. This song just makes me want to punch someone or something, and I’m not a violent person.
Also, take a look at the guy on the far left in the band photo and then take a look at these pictures of Andy Richter from Conan O’Brien and tell me it’s not the same person.
Speaking of unwarranted violence, the video on the left shows the Giants’ mascot, Lou Seal (no really, that’s his name), spraying a few unsuspecting Dodgers fans with Silly String at Giants Stadium a few weeks back. And wouldn’t you know it, one of the Dodgers fans wrestled with and finally pushed Lou Seal (I shit you not, that’s his name) down. The two fans were later escorted out by security.
Perhaps it was an overreaction, but what the hell are you supposed to do in that situation? You’re just sitting there minding your own business, watching and making fun of Barry Bonds (Barroids*, if you will), and out of nowhere a big orange freak sneaks up on you and hoses you down with chemicals. Are you just supposed to sit there and take it? It’s almost as if they were set up to get ejected from the game. In this day and age, I’m surprised they guys didn’t shoot Lou Seal (I’m not making it up, that’s his fucking name) in front of everyone. I mean, they’re Dodgers fans after all.
*See? It’s because Barry Bonds may have done steroids.
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