Grood.com

A 16-foot python stalked an Australian family’s dog for days before swallowing it whole in front of horrified children. The dog, a silky terrier-Chihuahua crossbreed, was devoured while the boy and girl, aged 5 and 7, watched helplessly.

By the time zoo officials arrived, the dog had been killed. All they could see of the dog was its hind legs and tail.

Wait for it…

“It actively stalked the dog for a number of days,” said Stuart Douglas, owner of the Australian Venom Zoo in Kuranda. “The family that owned the dog had actually seen it in the dog’s bed, which was a sign it was out to get it.”

Well, no shit.

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Most obvious headline ever? Finally, the debate over an oil spill’s impact on the environment has been put to rest:

Has there ever been an oil spill that was beneficial to wildlife?

A team of 30 doctors in India worked for more than 24 hours to successfully remove the extra sets of arms and legs from a 2-year-old girl. The girl was joined to a “parasitic twin,” but while in the womb in the twin ceased development and the girl absorbed the limbs, kindeys, and other body parts. Gross. The girl is named “Lakshmi,” after the four-armed Hindu goddess of wealth.

I was clicking through the news today and OH MY GOD WHAT THE SHIT IS THAT?!? I wish my brain worked in such a way that I had a special file in it marked Things I Didn’t Need to See. Despite that, I don’t fully understand why she even had surgery. Having an extra set of arms and legs doesn’t make one handicapped. No, having an extra set of arms and legs makes everyone else handicapped. The only business the medical industry should have with her is to clone her so we can have more human-goddess hybrids.

And, way to name her after a four-armed goddess. Real subtle.

Rutgers Women’s Basketball center Kia Vaughn has filed a lawsuit against fired raido host Don Imus for defamation. The lawsuit, speaking an unspecified sum, comes just one day after CBS settled with Don Imus for a reported $20 million as a result of Imus’ $120 million wrongful termination lawsuit against CBS over his termination in April of this year.

For those of you who didn’t grow up watching LA Law, defamation is casually defined as a false statement that causes injury to someone’s reputation and exposes him/her/shemale to public contempt, hatred, ridicule or condemnation. That Corbin Bernsen was dreamy back then, wasn’t he?

So what I want to know, when exactly was Ms. Vaughn exposed to this contempt, this hatred, that ridicule, or this condemnation? I doubt anyone has ever stopped her in the middle of the street and made fun of her. Sidewalk, sure, but not the middle of the street because that’s just dangerous.

But seriously, Imus should be the one suing people. It’s his reputation that has been injured. He’s the one who’s been subjected to contempt, hatred, ridicule and condemnation. I don’t know exactly who he should be suing but in this day and age, it really doesn’t matter.

The phrase he used was not that big a deal. Saying one bad word out of the thousands you say every day on the national airwaves is a pretty good track record. It’s almost as good as that time I went an entire season of baseball without striking out once (2nd grade coach pitch).

It was all taken out of context, basically. It’s easy to do. Let’s say I was describing what someone said and my exact words were, “He said, I hate niggers.” Now, if you take that out of context, what you’re left with is me saying I hate niggers. See? It’s just that easy!

His one word was such nonsense and frivolity that the video of him saying it was first posted on MediaMatters.org at 6 PM Eastern Standard Time, almost half a day later.

According to their website, “Media Matters for America is a Web-based, not-for-profit, progressive research and information center dedicated to comprehensively monitoring, analyzing, and correcting conservative misinformation in the U.S. media.” How Imus’ one bad word is considered to be conservative misinformation is beyond me. Real quick: Hey MediaMatters.org, fuck you!

You may have noticed that I have been referring to Imus’ controversial remarks as one bad word instead of three bad words. Ho is the only real bad word here. it is not exactly untrue to describe Kia Vaughn as nappy headed. She’s obviously headed or else she wouldn’t be alive, duh. Unless she’s a cockroach, because they can go days without their heads. See right there, I could have made some sort of racist joke there and compared her to a cockroach but I decided to take the high road.

And nappy is not exactly an untrue word to describe Kia Vaughn’s head. Look at that picture of her. You can’t run up and down a court for an entire game and not expect your hair to be in pristine condition

And let us not forget the one indisputable fact of this whole matter: these women are all losers. The Rutgers team only made the news because they lost in the national title game. In this world, there are winners and there are losers. The more winners we have the better off mankind will be. The world would be a lot better place if we ridiculed losers more often. And by that logic, those women deserve to be ridiculed. I’m not saying Imus should have called them nappy headed hoes, but I am saying he shouldn’t have stopped there.

Holy shit, I just realized this article had two references to Major League in it, Corbin Bernsen and Vaughn.

It’s fire season, kids. In case you haven’t been keeping track with the news, LA has once again turned into a raging inferno. They (I don’t know who they actually is) say it is the worst fire in Los Angeles since 1961. As of right now, the fire has burned roughly a fifth of Griffith Park and they (once again, they) only have about half of it contained.

The fire wasn’t started by two jagoffs playing with fireworks this time. No, it was started by some dude who fell asleep smoking a cigarette. In the middle of a forest. I’m no scientist so I may be wrong about this, but dry brush and flames and wind do not result in anything good. The man was badly burned trying to put the fire out so I guess it kind of balances out.

I was sent home early from work two days ago because of it. Being the jackass that I am, I decided the best thing for me to do would be to go running up in the hills to get a look for myself (one of my regular routes goes right through it all). Sure, there were half a dozen news helicopters circling above that were broadcasting all over tv but damnit, I had to see it for myself. Plus, I had nothing better to do.

Unfortunately, a cop stopped me from getting to the top of the hill to get a look at the fire. It’s funny, cops still don’t seem to understand that we have no idea what they are saying over their intercoms. Has anyone else noticed that? It’s like they get on it and just mumble something. Maybe they do. Anyway, I tried to reason with him that I had already run this far (about 4 miles uphill) so another 20 yards or so would not make a difference. Right? Oh well.

Even though the fire is the biggest fire LA has had since 1961 has destroyed almost 1,000 acres and is still burning as of this writing (12:45 PM PST, two days since it started), I have to admit it just isn’t all that spectacular. At least from my point of view. The fire is actually about 2 or 3 miles east of my crib so who knows. The most I could see was a lot of smoke and the glow of the fire and my apartment did smell like barbeque at one point but that’s about it.

As dry as it has been here, I imagine there will be more fires to come.