Grood.com

I gave my mom a gift certificate to a clothing store in Oklahoma and she used it buy a sailor sweater. I asked her exactly what a sailor sweater was because, well, let’s be honest, what the fuck exactly is a sailor sweater. Her response, “Picture Ernest Hemingway in a sweater.”

Wait, what?

I hope the way you start out your New Year’s Day is not any indication of how the rest of that year will go because holllly shiiiiit. I had just finished walking my dog Kaylee (she’s a big ole cutey-pie, btw) and as we make our way back into my building and up the first flight of stairs I see a man making his way down who, judging by his appearance (google ‘James Brown mugshot’), prefers to unwind with a hit of crack. Sure, I live in Hollywood and see people of his ilk every single day but there’s generally very little interaction between us, either because I’m riding past them on my bicycle on my way to work or acting like I’m talking on my phone when I’m walking past them. This encounter would not be one of those times.

Anywho, I see this guy and notice right away he looks a little funky (James Brown mugshot funky, not James Brown dance funky) and I’m more or less like a deer in headlights and I say the first thing that comes to mind: “Hi.” He responds with a “Happy New Year” and starts making his way down the stairs. Oh fuck, here we go I thought to myself. So, the man proceeds to introduce himself to me and shake my hand and he says something along the lines of how wonderful this year is going to be and blah blah blah; I’m just standing their smiling politely the whole time, hoping this thing can end and end soon. Then the guy hugs me… and kisses me on the cheek. Yes, a crackhead kissed me on the cheek.

So, as you can guess, I’m genuinely freaked the F out at this point. I start walking up the stairs to go to my apartment and burn all of my clothes (and I mean all of my clothes, not just the clothes I’m wearing. You know, for good measure) when he says, “Hey, how can I get ahold of you.” Yes, a crackhead basically just asked me out. I literally mumbled something and ran upstairs. If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the shower curled up in a fetal position.

Surely they knew the still from Ice Age 3 looked like male genitalia, right?

I didn’t want to go to your stupid memorial service for your stupid King of Pop anyways.

Sure about that?

Guys like this are why phones have cameras.

Jesus Horatio Christ, again! I asked this last time when Eminem was cough his head but seriously, am I missing something here? I know there are a few differences between American English and English English but it has to do with saying lift instead of elevator and telly instead of television and other little faggy variations like that but Students are toff their heads? Did they just make that up for this article?

Want to know what toff means? According to The Free Dictionary, toff means a member of the upper classes, especially one who is elegantly dressed. So, that headline is saying students are upper classing and dressing elegantly their heads. If there was ever any question as to how we beat the English in war, this is the answer.